I wish I were in recovery.
Iām sorry for your loss, Gina.
Iām seeing a therapist and he says that if Iām not a danger to myself or others, perhaps I shouldnāt take meds. But Iām not really sure what to doā¦I feel exposed when around people and like they can sense my energy or read my thoughts or somethingā¦like I have to control/hide my thoughts around people sometimes. I took Risperdal 1mg for a month, but it just deadened me and didnāt really help with this. I wonder if this is paranoia or low self-esteemā¦
It would be nice to feel more āfreeā again and just live my life and sit on a park bench if I wanted to, without feeling exposed and in fearā¦to be able to read a book on the train or on a bench without having people getting āstuckā in my mind and looking at them to see if they can sense that Iām āthinkingā about them.
Can anyone relate to this? Have/do meds help(ed) with this?
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Iāve been taking meds for 38 years since I was 19. I tried going off of them and I felt a relapse coming. I tried a couple of times after that. So I will be on them the rest of my life. I got a wake-up call a few years ago when I ran out of meds and couldnāt get more for 4 or 5 days. I felt something bad coming on but I got more and felt better after a couple of days. My quality of life is better with them.
Iāve worked most of the last 35 years. Gone to college, lived independently for 20 years, been driving my own cars for years. Given how severe my schizophrenia was in the beginning, I see no way in hell that I could have done any of those things without meds.
But when I got on meds they helped a lot but I still had serious symptoms. I donāt feel my recovery started until I had been on meds a few years. Then after those first few years I started to āget betterā. It happened in increments so small that I couldnāt really feel any improvement until I just realized after a few years that I had gotten much better.
I got my first job 9 months after getting out of the hospital. I stayed four years despite psychosis sometimes. My meds really sedated me when I was working. But now 30 years later, I donāt even feel side effects.
And lots of people want you to believe that schizophrenia is always degenerative and that meds will destroy your brain. Well, that has been proven wrong in both cases. Iām 58 years old and Iāve been at my janitor job for 5 years. Iāve lived in my nice apartment a year and a half. I got a nice car and Iām still taking college course.
This morning was beautiful and I drove to my old home town to pay a visit to the cemetery where my mom is. A couple people had walked by me and we exchanged pleasantries. I had to use the office restroom and the people were friendly at the front desk. āYou catch more flies with honey than vinegarā. Let the aggressive people be jerks and intimidate peoole to get what they want and their friends and families hate them. Iād rather be friendly and relaxed and get along, which is something I never did as a kid.
My sisters told me I was a nice kid and maybe schizophrenia made me into a better person because my motto is: It makes me happier to be nice to people than to scare them." Anyways, my city is about 25 minutes from the cemetery. I visited my moms grave and afterwards I drove to a fast food joint for a hamburger and a coke and rested before I headed back. I remembered there was a grocery store nearby so there was a change of plan and I did my shopping there. Then I drove home in beautiful weather. And again, on the spur of the moment I stopped at a local store looking to pick up something up for my car. All this didnāt seem degeneterive to me. Iām still taking college classes and taking care of my own finances and taking care of my car and making doctors appointments and all the responsibilities of a normal life. It doesnāt seem like my brain is destroyed by medication like many people would want you to believe.
I am not saying any of what I just wrote is easy or that my life is easy. Things rarely go smoothly but I have great moments in most of my days. Schizophrenia aside, personally I have matured and itās a good thing. Iām more tolerant of other people, and I try to be kind and I see other people struggling and I can emphasize with them.
Life is hard for everybody despite outward appearances. Everybody has their cross to bear. I had an epiphany when I was over my sisters the other day. She mentioned something about having faith in humanity. I was half joking when I said that I lose faith in humanity lots of times but it is restored anew almost literally every day by friendly co-workers or my own family or nice strangers. This is true for me and I can live with that. Everybody knows there are as*holes in the world and the world is a confusing, frustrating and sometimes frightening mess but why dwell on it? Iād rather smile and talk to pretty women and do my own thing. Driving around in my car checking out the sights aināt going to hurt anybody or solve the worlds problems but let someone else work on that. I want to eat hamburgers and go to the park and laugh at myself and other idiots. This is my life.
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Thank for sharing, Nick. In my creed (Judaism) it is stated that every act of kindness and also service to others/the world (including your janitor job) helps make this world a better place and more of a dwelling place for G-d. So despite what you may think, you are indeed having a positive effect on the world.
I really like what you wrote about being tolerant of others - Iāve also noticed this lately - everyone has their own struggles, indeed. Itās beautiful to be able to empathize with others and realizing weāre all ultimately in the same boat, and every act of kindness to each other brings in more light and makes this world a better place. As taught in my creed - our job is ultimately to make this world a dwelling place for G-d, when one day evil and suffering will finally cease, and we will realize we were born and are here for a purposeā¦rather than some coincidence/accident. This is what differentiates us from animals and other life forms. I donāt mean to impose my views on anyone, but what you wrote made me want to share this.
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Well Iāve had mini recoveries. And when I recover I hear less voices. And I feel less delusional. Also circumstances helps me to recover. Like getting friends and doing activities that I like. I know itās hard to get friends and change your circumstances. My old therapist would say I wish I could wave a magic wand to change my circumstances. Because I would say to her, itās impossible for her to change my problems, because she canāt make me get friends. You just have to be patient until an opportunity pops up. Iām slowly getting better because I have friends now. And I use to have no friends.
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It can improve but never goes away. Time is very important. I think the first 10 are the worst.
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Nice post @Igoryok and thanks. I aināt no saint despite what millions of people say to me every day (joke). But I try to be nice and a good person and get along with people and thatās reality. Sometimes I get off the path and let my emotions rule and I get angry and I might treat someone unfairly but Iām usually able to catch myself and see that the poor teenagers tailgating me in my car arenāt terrible people; theyāre just misguided and I always get a kick when teenagers or even twenty-somethings look at me as the responsible adult and treat me like an old man I still feel like Iām 17 in my head, lol.
It does make us more human to empathize with other people. Both parties get something from it; itās a win-win situation. Sometimes in the turmoil of a typical day we forget who we are and we act unfairly or petty. But I get a reality check when some woman in her fifties (Iām 58) takes one look at me in a store or something and smiles because she can see right through me and knows my mother raised a good person and schizophrenia aināt going to take that away from me. If hasnāt taken it so far after 38 years I think it will never take it. But yeah, life isnāt always hard and if you leave people alone chances are they will take one glance at you and leave you alone. It took me years to learn this stuff, I wish I knew it in my twenties my life would have turned out much better and I probably would have enjoyed life and people more.
People differ in their religious beliefs. Thatās OK. I have my own personal version of God or as we call it in AA, my āhigher powerā. And thatās OK too.
Thereās a lot of good people in this world, I think if you give people a chance they will be as good as they can.
Anyways, I didnāt corner the market on knowledge of the world and on knowing a little about how people work. Itās mostly common sense. But like some famous person said once, āCommon sense is way to uncommon these daysā.
Thanks for the encouragement; it strengthens my resolve to help people if I can, both on these forums and in my everyday life. And I think Iām doing OK at it.
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Yes, @Igoryok, you are experiencing āthought insertionā, or the experience of feeling that you can read other peopleās minds. You are also experiencing āthought broadcastingā, or the experience of feeling that other people can read your mind. Both of these phenomenon are paranoid experiences and are part of sz and/or sza. And, yes, anti psychotic meds help with these symptoms.
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Well said, Nick. Thank you for letting me know, Gina. Iām not sure I experience thought insertion, as I donāt feel like I can read peopleās minds, but I may have delusions of reference - or whatever it is - like when people make a sound around me or grimace, smile, etc. - I feel it has to do with what Iām thinking oftenā¦
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Recovery can be relatively quick, in cases of acute schizophrenia. Or it can be a slow, ongoing process, as in chronic schizophrenia. But, everyone is different, and on a spectrum.
Because I am not totally well, I donāt consider myself ārecoveredā. I am not āout of the woodsā yet, so to speak. I still experience hallucinations and delusions. So, my illness is quite chronic. Maybe, with better medications I could recover, but for now I just tolerate my illness and hope better days are to come.
Yeah I was taking vraylar. Very good med, but too much weight gain. Transitioning to rexulti. So far so good.
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That took a lot of effort to write @77nick77 but you did it selflessly and on topic and in an encouraging uplifting way. Thank you for your insight.
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āI aināt no saint despite what millions of people say to me every dayā. HILARIOUS.
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I have been in recovery for about a year now. I seem to be improving more as time goes on.
This is still new to me and I have been nervous about my future so this thread was a very welcome relief. There was a lot of positivity and hope here. Thank you to everyone that replied.
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Yeah, I crack myself up sometimes too.
When I get a girlfriend, finish college, and get a job, Iāll let you know. Maybe 5-10 years to accomplish all this. Iāll be 40.
Oh, ok, thanks for correcting me @Igoryok.
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