Before the onset of psychosis, I was stressed to make ends meet paying bills living in an abusive relationship with a guy that didn’t help at all. Working my ass off every day just to pay bills. Really angry at the capitalist system, couldn’t study what I wanted to study so my prospects of the future were very grimm.
After psychosis and recovery… Better relationship with my family, learning how to love myself instead of being in relationships, studying what I love and want to do with my life. Invega (Xeplion) helped a lot.
Want to go do some CBT therapy but I don’t see that happening soon.
I’m basically the exact same, just a deeper, more patient, and more formidable man. I don’t have nearly as much expendable energy, but that could be chalked up to age.
I really love the outdoors, more-so than I used to. I maintain basically all of the same principles, just have grown deeper in them. It’s the lack of energy, dying imagination, and head cramping/pain that has me feeling less of a man on most days. Those are the predominant symptoms of my diagnosis.
This was almost a couple of years ago and I’m currently driving a fuel-truck full-time. Still own my photo studio and media biz, but my bookings are pretty thin as the sucky global economy has walloped my customers’ disposable income. Had to go back to full-time work for The Man.
I started as a recently retired martial artist, still in prime condition, and then went nuts and went overboard with booze and weed and tobacco and preworkout and then came out a type A psychology student and workout junkie.
I basically had my meds straightened out and majored in psychology and now I’m a promising researcher applying to Ph.D. programs in clinical psychology.
Part of it is that I always want something to do and making straight As is something to do and so is fitness, although I am not in the pro shape I was in, I’m still in really great shape. School comes naturally, I actually earned a full scholarship because of my high school record and test scores.
during the illness I scraped the bottom of the barrel for years on end until I decided to grab ahold of myself and my life and “lead the horse by the reigns” so to speak myself.
now I feel much much better and more or less o.k… I don’t feel so disabled anymore. I find myself trying to get it together in a big way – to be successful etc. but I think I need to join a society where marriage and family as beautiful as it is isn’t primary since it doesn’t look like it is in the cards for me… and that hurts me a whole lot.
alot of failure at school,
stress from many aspects of not living up to the standards required,
struggeling to lose weight(quickly enough) in order to join the military
1 year before full blown psychosis: alot of paranoia and the government being an evil force that loves to spy and tortures people through the internet and TV
during:
well, basically everything that could go wrong went wrong. felt like in the 8th layer of hell, suffering from all sort of delusions which all were about me being basically a piece of useless ■■■■. just like before psychosis but now with actually the whole world and even reality against you to put you into the worst state.
recovery:
nothing changed, voices insult me constantly, plus all the ■■■■ during psychosis is still in my mind all of the time. still am a failure without a job and will probably never in my life be part of the military. the only thing i had in life, before turning psychotic, was the hope to join the army and escape all of this ■■■■■■■■ failures of social interactions and join the army where i can start a new life. it was going quite nice i was losing weight and gained the perfect body where i could do any sport and much more. but then on the same day, before me giving a call to the local army center, i get psychotic and this psychosis ruins my body and i become and even greater failure who 2 more years at home doing absolutely nothing, while being fat and unatractive.
yeah, the worst thing is that i cant even convince myself of commiting suice. which anybody else who wasnt such a failure wouldve done years ago.
I was never normal. My disease came on slowly, starting at age 16. I was a daily pot smoker for a couple of years; it probably contributed to my illness. I started getting really weird when I turned 17. Right after high school I started working. Between the ages of 17 and 19 I had about 20 different jobs; I never lasted more than three months at any of them and near the end of my normal life I was panicking at my jobs and not acting like myself. I was first hospitalized at age 19. My case was severe but I guess everybody could say that. I didn’t function for the next two years and in the 80’s I spent most of that time in hospitals and group homes. At one point I was hospitalized for 8 months. But when I was 22 some counselors saw some potential in me and set me up with a job. I stayed at the job for 4 years. I was still experiencing bad sympotoms but I trudged on, dead on my fe
i am starting to recover…after 40 years of torment.
by 100 years old i will be cured…
then me and my pals from the old age people home will go out on the town on our ’ pimped up ’ hover board zimmer frames…and paint the town red !?!..YIPPEE…
take care
Man, that’s a lot of negativity on your back.
I can’t put myself into your skin, nor I could handle half of the stuff you’ve been through, but that awful and cruel self criticism is something I’m very familiar with.
You need to get away from those thoughts. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?. Mine did have an ability to convince me how distorted and subjective were my self judgments, and how far from reality they were when perceived from the point of an objective view.
Two years are really not much in the longterm perspective.
You had a dream. What is similar to the ideal you once had? Something involving a lot of physical work/training and a group of people you can share experience with?
Chances are out there.
Please get better.
**
i will be cured… 
