Schizophrenia.com

Voices of a Demonic Nature

No, I mean I used to have epilepsy in my youth but it went away. I use it for reducing positive symptoms. It’s already working really well and giving me an overall sense of healthiness. I can’t wait to see its full benefits.

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I would like to start off with the hopes of not making this like a rant. Lots on my mind. I am hoping to find a higher paying job, like with the TSA or my local police department. I would be really excited to work for either of them. As a TSO or public safety dispatcher. This would also mean I can’t use cannabis to be eligible for these jobs, which leads me into my next topic. I kinda have this web of lies attached to me as far as not being able to tell any of my family members in fear of being cut off like for financial support and/or cut out from the family like looked down upon. I just couldn’t take that right now. So I’m not telling the truth to them. Am I lying though? I mean I also don’t want to stress them out but I’m stressed out. Going into this, I don’t think my cannabis use is exactly negligible. I mean it IS stress relieving in a way, it reduces my anxiety and stress, but I believe it exacerbates my schizoaffective symptoms slightly. Maybe a lot. Idk. I hear louder and more hostile voices and noise from the peanut gallery when I use weed. So maybe I will never do it again. My family is certainly disapproving of it. Maybe I can do it when I retire or again someday. Not only does it make me kinda uncomfortable and wonked out, my job requires me to be very alert and aware of my surroundings and what’s happening and who is around me.

But I guess today I feel WAY better!! The lamictal and vistaril are really helping already I think. I know they can take months to work most effectively or to be brought up to a therapeutic dose range in my body…my thoughts are just sticking it out with the prescription and hoping for the best. I also need to continue to take care of myself. I’m planning on buying more fruits and veggies. I just worry about not eating them. They’re tasty to me, I just spend so much money on groceries already. And I am really poor. I can’t afford to eat out at all. I can’t even really afford smoking or drinking. I know it would be healthier to not drink or smoke but it’s sooo stress relieving to me. A lot of my medicines have warnings against alcohol, maybe they would work tons better without alcohol? Idk but my pdoc thinks my drinking should stop completely because it’s part of the puzzle in my life.

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Thank you for sharing, Bond.
I don’t disagree with you; when taking medicine, stopping the smoking of weed and the drinking of alcohol might be best.

As far as the job with TSA or local police, I’m not sure they hire people who hear voices, for those jobs, so you might need to check on that; but their great jobs, I’m sure.

With your family, I didn’t understand what web of lies you’re referring to.

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Thanks for your kind response, Ares.

Right? It’s so hard to not self medicate sometimes for me, but I think it’s best in the long run. I also have an addictive personality I think. I smoke tobacco often.

I am aware that there is possibly a psychiatric evaluation for both of these employers. And a polygraph, maybe…I don’t hear voices unless I think about it. It’s definitely thought provoking, to me, to think about it. But I often forget completely about my illness as I get lost in my work or in life. In a good way, like I am loving what I do! Ha! :upside_down_face:

By web of lies I meant I do continue to not tell the truth about my past cannabis use to my family, for better or worse. Maybe I’m overthinking things? :man_shrugging: I’m honest in all other fronts.

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I don’t think you’re lying to your family. You are simply choosing to not share what you know that they would react badly to. Self-preservation, rather than an attempt to mislead

There is no intent to harm

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Yea some can be voices and some can be thoughts, key is to avoid sitting and listen to them. Use meds so u can sleep and relax and then that will allow you also to stay busy throughout the day

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So I can’t believe I’ve been working security for almost a year! I owe it to myself, I’ve pushed through some hard times. I quit cannabis at the beginning of this month, planning on quitting cigarettes today, and want to quit drinking (alcohol) eventually, maybe. I’m realizing substances really were making their mark in my life. I was struggling financially, mentally, and literally. I was a terrible mess.

I think it’s good to have a back up plan. Or back up plans. Just in case you know? I think an emergency fund of $1000 would be a great monetary buffer in case of emergency and as an emotional margin, like Dave Ramsey says. I’ll get there once I quit smoking…($300+ a month for a pack a day habit!! I quit!)

I can’t remember when my next pdoc appt is, I think I should call them today sometime. I also think my cannabis cessation was necessary and to improve my overall mental health as far as symptoms reduction. I think it’s more self-preservation in not telling my parents about the cannabis use. I don’t think it’s lying if it would hurt me or others…I digress.

I am now convinced, from one godly dream of all things, that my voices are NOT real. It just makes more sense. It’s a huge pack of lies, these symptoms. I mean what place do they have in reality that I should even acknowledge them, let alone interact with them? I think delusions intertwine with these, and I occasionally inadvertently act on them. I don’t mean to. I will hear something stupid (idk why) from like an innocent, albeit real, voice or music or anything really like an engine running and I have to almost force myself to not respond in a manner I deem “appropriate”. Like I don’t talk to myself or mumble or anything like that. I don’t talk randomly into the air. But I will think to myself, that’s a load of garbage! Or, who cares? Stuff like that.

But lately, as of today, and since this dream, I have been almost chanting in my head: “NOT REAL.” As if to interrupt or cut off the voices in my head and keep them in the past. Or just to approach them as unacknowledged and minimized to essentially nothing, maybe nothing at all, you know? Maybe I will outgrow them? I sure hope so.

Forgive me and please let me know if this sounds untrue or harsh. I can’t help but to think I am judged for this illness. People may think differently or less highly of me, but I do not care. I know I am myself. Not my illness. And that’s not changing anytime soon if I can help it. God, you guys, this stuff doesn’t even really matter to me because it’s not reality or realistic to be involved with for me…at all.

I would like to thank my family and friends and healthcare team as always. They have always been there for me, and always will. To the friends and family that are no longer with me, thanks for your kinship. You’ll always be remembered warmly in my heart.

Just a check in. Looking forward to talking with my pdoc next week about possible akathisia or tardive dyskenisia. On the plus side I have an interview for another security company…wish me luck! They say I can study on the job which will be perfect when I get back into my CJ program. :grinning:

I also tested negative for THC today! I’m going to take another marijuana test from the dollar store to be sure, but I’m excited. Can always lower the THC levels. This is just to make sure I pass for job drug tests so I’m not wasting anyone’s time.

Love to you all!! Cheers.

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I have a lot of problems with demonic voices, a fascination with the macabre that I’ll probably always have, not taking those satanic things seriously is bad for me, I don’t read any esoteric books in the occult, my disease would run with that! I work the twelve steps on my drug addiction, been clean going on 26 years.

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