Update. 2015.1.24

I cried most of today. I had the longest manic phase ever (five days long) and it ended yesterday. and then crap just went down the drain today involving me quitting my job and getting really aggravating news from the disability office about my hearing. ( have to have another one this summer or something) which means if I get approved at THAT hearing it will have been 4 years since I first applied.
I’m in such a negative state right now. I keep day dreaming about eating all my benzos, but I know that would just be a handful for my family and they dont need that. It’ll pass, like it always does. Life really does suck. If reincarnation is real, then I better not come back as a person. I don’t want anything. I just want nothing. void.

Good to hear from you Carley. Sorry your I a rough patch. They do back payments on disability from 6 months after the day you had stop working or your first hospitalization. Sorry you have to wait on this, but they will still potentially give you some money for the time if it doesn’t fall through. Hope it all works out.

The mania will eventually come back, look to the good days. Currently feeling rather manic myself.

Things will work out for you be persistent.

Hmm well I applied right after my first hospitalization which was 3 1/2 years ago. I think. I don’t really remember. I think I am a nuisance. Or I will end up one if not already.

Nice to hear from you too. I know these feelings pass, but I felt I should give a brief update on how much I hate schizophrenia and life in general lol

With the potential of 4 years of back pay, I think it wouldn’t be hard to find a lawyer willing to get you your benefits. He would take a sizable chunk of the pay for his fees though. Still, it would get you going.

It’s ok to hate the disease but don’t give up on life.

Life can be good. The potentials are endless.

You’ve got a good soul. If you do reincarnate I’m sure you’ll become exactly what you want to become. I forsee a bird. Maybe that’s to canivoristic for you. It’ll be your choice.

Yeah I really refused to my mom to go to another hearing but if I get denied at this one, she told me she will hire an attorney so I don’t have to keep going through that. because we aren’t giving up. we just have bills and want it to be over with.

glad to see you post. I too am sorry you are having such thoughts as taking your life. I have had two attempts and all I have now afterwards is a stabbing conscience over what I tried to do…BIG mistake it was, both times. I just thought my life was over but it was far from over thank God. I hope you can tell your family how low you feel so they perhaps can help you. Good luck @CarleyGee

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I would love to be a bird. Did I ever tell you about the time I got delusional and there was this huge tree of birds and I KNEW they wanted me to go play with them, so I wandered like across the street where the chirping was and I just spun around underneath it until people dragged me away lmao

Ah I’m not going to bother my family with these thoughts, I already kind of expressed to my mom that I had come out of my manic state and everything felt like crud. but that’s about it. today was just rough and all those built up emotions came out.

Lol. That’s funny.

Most of the things I did when I was under the influence of psychosis were regrettable.

Not going into that other to say I try to kill myself. After that I made the decision to not trust what happens in my mind. Since then everyone’s been telepathic with me.

It’s been a blast and a half(sarcasm)
But now I only think of people briefly, getting a grip on the other stuff.

I hate this disease to, but it’s given me a lot of time to compose myself, I am who I want to be now.

Still laughing at the birds in the tree thing

We are not given enough credit for what we deal with honestly.
But it’s okay. We’ll be dead one day and it won’t matter anymore.


Indeed, don’t rush things though, you only live once, make the best of it.

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Great to hear from you again. Hopefully things will start to improve on the benefits front and for yourself. Disability seems to be hard to get in the US without a lawyer.

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Everything passes in time. That’s a thought that kept me going when all else failed. Sometimes the only thing you can count on is that nothing stays the same forever.

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Its good to see you again @CarleyGee - I do hope that you feel better soon

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