I was tormented for so many years. Now, it’s been peaceful for months. I still feel Seraton (my companion angel) at my right shoulder, but “he’s” quiet and subdued. I still see things moving, crawling… but it’s quiet.
In the place of the noise and struggle I had come to recognize as a part of my existence, there is an aching emptiness instead.
I feel like I’ve been robbed. I feel I’ve undergone surgery and too much was removed. I feel empty and without vision.
This is what happens when you live with something for so long, even monsters. Once they’re subdued or taken away, part of yourself is gone.
Now I’m between worlds.
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I always say that everyone wants to help you get rid of the chaos, but no one wants to help you live without it. You have to find something to keep yourself occupied, even if it’s something simple. I enjoy browsing reddit, hanging out with my cat or dog (but never at the same time), and watching TV with my mom. Is there anything you think you might enjoy?
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It’s like the adage that hate is better than nothing at all. We all need stimulating in some way. Finding a new way is very unsettling to me, too. But, I remember before I had my computer, and I’ll say one thing for it, it gets me out of bed!
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As the weather improves, I’all be working in the yard more. It used to be a distraction from the noise, now it’ll be a distraction from the quiet. I was outside much of the day today.
I appreciate your response, @Sardonic. What you said is so true. Like I’ll just feel better if the noise and torment would stop. I guess that’s logical. But I’m 52 and this is not what I’m used to.
I don’t even want to die anymore. But I have no idea how to live, not like other people.
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