Dude, you’re you. Maybe you have something they haven’t hammered out that fits into a neat little box that a doctor can slap on you and call it a diagnosis. Homosexuality used to be a diagnosis of mental illness. Until recently, we didn’t have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. We’ve also seen the coming and going of Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder. It’s a science, and it’s evolving. Like I said in a different thread, we’re barely off the ground medically. Pharma is shooting with a blindfold on hoping to hit a passing bird. I don’t think we’re any closer to figuring out the brain than 20 years ago, not substantially at least. Because if they did, we’d have some new and effective treatments instead of rebranded and reboxed expensive pharma crap.
You come here for support, you get pretty much what you’ve already gotten in this thread, and then it festers and eats at you some more. Getting a diagnosis, whatever it is and however it’s accomplished, will not solve anything for you. The same meds that work now will continue to provide relief, and the ones that don’t, you’re no longer taking. You’ve gotta get it into your head that a diagnosis will not help with anything. Unless you commit some immense high-publicity crime and are studied, you’re not going to get anything out of it other than a code to bill insurance and reference for tests. It is literally meaningless.
So stop thinking about it. Some day it will come, and I don’t want to be a downer or rude, but it’s likely some day you’ll get diagnosed with something physical that will either be debilitating, terminal, or both. And then on that day, you’re going to wish that you never asked what your diagnosis was or what the treatment will be. Odds are, it’ll be a helluva lot worse than popping Risperdal and wondering about an evasive disease that really has no existential threat.
I don’t want to come off as harsh, and I’m sorry if it reads this way. I’ve just seen you torment yourself over the years. Maybe if I stomp on this fire, it can finally be put out. I’ve laid it all out for you. It’s up to you if you want to continue this obsession and suffer, or be done with it and put it to bed.