Undiagnosed?

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Hey everyone, hope your day is lovely…

I am having some issues lately that my friend who is bipolar schizoaffective has pointed out to me…I don’t think that I have schizophrenia, but I’m very worried that my brain started doing this after my friend told me that I might have it. I have a new therapist, who moved from Puerto Rico a year ago, and is super new at her job. She went to another therapist to ask for advice about my symptoms, and she diagnosed me with depersonalization/derealization disorder, which I totally have, I can agree with that. My friend has been with me as I had my “freakouts” as I call them…This next story might be triggering to those who care about animals (No animal was harmed). That being said, let me explain. I was taking the trash out at work, and I saw a lady just dump trash into our dumpster and my IMMEDIATE thought was: “There’s a cat in that bag.” I started pacing back and forth next the dumpster breathing heavily, and almost even reached in to grab the bag. I had NOT seen a single sign indicating that there was even a cat in that bag. But my inner voice was loud about this. I messaged my friend and they calmed me down…Thank goodness. There was no cat in that bag, by the way.

I usually have that inner thought thing going on alot. It’s usually loud (It stays inside my head though) But I WORRY whenever I see anybody whispering or even looking at me, that they are talking about me…I could be talking to someone and if they look at me, my inner voice goes “They’re staring at your ugly acne scars.” And then I feel absolutely beaten and defeated. Sometimes when I am out, like at the diner I love, the inner voice says ridiculous things like, “There’s poison in that coffee.” Which I know isn’t true, so I dismiss it entirely. Earlier tonight I had this same thing happen to me and my boyfriend, where I thought, “He’s going to try to kill me.” Which when I have these thoughts, I don’t freak out at all because I hear them and think that they are silly. He’s so nice to me, why would he even think of hurting me? This inner thought confuses me because it’s not a distinct voice…Or even a familiar voice…It just one of my thoughts that seems…Louder than the others?

I also feel uncomfortable walking by windows at night…If I’m using the bathroom, a lot of times I opened the cabinet so the cabinet door is against the window and that makes me feel so safe…I don’t know why…I know schizophrenia runs in the family a lot of times…So that makes this EVEN more concerning, because my uncle on my mother’s side had it, and my brother has it…I don’t know people on my father’s side, so who knows? Another thing I do is have such strong pings of regret, so frequently, that my body physically feels really tensed up right after remembering a memory and feeling the regret. My mind keeps playing back all of these incidents that I’m sure no one but me remembers, like for example, telling a coworker about how rude my roommate is. Then I feel like I’m complaining too much and get that physical feeling. It’s so hard to stop thinking about things like this…I try so hard.

Also, I am creative and love to do art. I always write stuff on my art that seemingly comes from nowhere. I wrote this just the other day: : “Shrivel. The Garden Party goes on, rain or shine. Abortion or unbirthing. The chrysalis has fallen among the black sheep. It is you, whose wool lulls me to sleep. Wool that whispers into my skin.”

I’m bringing these things up, because…I’m scared…I’m scared that this might be going undocumented. I don’t know all of the signs, so what if I’m not bringing up key signs to my therapist? I think I covered most of the bits, but I’m just super worried about this and have only seen my therapist 4 times now…But she told me when I was worried about this, “You’re not schizophrenic. You would be constantly moving your hands if you were.” But what am I? I’m sorry if I disrespected anyone by posting here…I am truly sorry.

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Your symptoms are similar to those I had. I don’t think you have sz because, as I’ve seen around, you would have a hell of a time to write such a long post and you seem to be high functioning.

You could have delusional disorder. Your symptoms remind me of my own before I heard a voice for the first time, which has been the only time. Symptoms: loud thoughts, paranoid ideas, overthinking, silly ideas.

I think you should ask your therapist about delusional disorder and tell her that maybe that’s what you have.

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You can print this post out and bring it to your therapist at the next meeting. Be open and honest about things she asks. You can also ask for a referral to a psychiatrist if you remain worried.

As an aside, ‘constantly moving hands’ is neither a necessary nor sufficient condition for schizophrenia. Nor does writing a long post exclude you from having it… (I wrote my 40 page bachelors thesis during my first episode, got a distinction for it too.)

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A lot of it sounds like it could be bad anxiety. Some things were a bit more paranoid (someone trying to harm you, poison you, etc). How old are you? Since you have sz in your family, if you’re a guy and well past your late teens I would say those are mostly anxiety issues because you’re past age of onset. If you’re a girl and in early 20’s or late teens, or you’re a guy in your teens then keep an eye on those thoughts and carefully note if they begin to progress or become more bizarre and you begin significantly changing your behavior because of them.

Overall though I’m going to say anxiety. No real sign of delusions, hallucinations or negative symptoms from your post.

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Hello, and welcome to the forums! Thanks for opening up about yourself. Obviously, none of us are doctors, so we can’t diagnose you. The things you are describing could be the beginning, or prodromal stage of schizophrenia, but it could also be anxiety. Keep being totally open with your therapist about your symptoms, and she will be able to help you. Maybe you can keep a journal of your symptoms. Write down what you’re experiencing, and then take the journal to your appointments. That way, you can be sure you won’t forget something important.

Try not to focus so much on the name of the disorder you have. There are dozens of different psychotic disorders, and dozens of anxiety disorders, and a lot of overlap. The important thing is to manage your symptoms. That can be done through medication, therapy, CBT, neurofeedback, and tons of other different methods. Try a few out, and see what works for you. Most of us use more than one way to cope. I do neurofeedback, talk therapy, and medication.

If you do end up getting diagnosed with schizophrenia, it won’t happen for at least six months. One of the diagnostic criteria of schizophrenia is that symptoms must be observed continually for more than six months. It took me a year or so to get my diagnosis. But it is ultimately an arbitrary distinction. Anyways, welcome to the forums!

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Theres a higher chance you could have it since an immediate family member has it… Im giving you the best advice I can…

I think you could be in the early stages… because it sounds like me in early stages. I would love it if you could find a solution because you havent gone into a psychosis. Which means you may keep alot of your cognitive function if you catch it before it gets bad. That would be huge for recovery. Alot of people that catch it early fully recover.

I wish you the best of luck, btw i know it sounds like a bad name but antipsychotics wouls for sure help with the paranoia if you wanted to get rid of it.

Godspeed

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The physical sensation moving thru your body could be cortisol.

It’s anxiety.

I started out with that.

The inner thoughts are trying to complete something not the same as hearing it in your ears or around your head but equally out of control.

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I have this too, sounds like OCD and anxiety to be honest.
Talk to a doctor about it, no one on here is qualified to diagnose you.
Good luck!

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Generally, if you think you have schizophrenia then you most likely do not.

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Well DONE, sir.

:heart:

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