Uncertain on diagnoses

DX'd - Other
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I think I might be schizophrenic and might’ve been schizophrenic for a long time but I’m not sure

I had an extremely traumatic childhood and dont remember being “alive” before 12yo which is when I first experienced what I now know were delusions. And I did talk about them but people just said they weren’t real which split my reality up. And ever since then it’s like I’ve lived this double life where I have to perform this person I am in the Real Reality, but meanwhile so much is happening in the other places and in my head at the same time, and it gets really confusing and so I’ve always really struggled to tell what’s real and what isn’t

And then pretending to exclusively be in the Real Reality meant denying every other reality existed even though they do. So even in the Real Reality I’m constantly slipping in between “my psychosis is real but not in the Real Reality so it’s not really real but it is” and “I am making everything up for attention because I want to be sicker than I am”

Fast forward, I’m hospitalised three times between age 17-18 bc I’m in extreme danger to myself. My first hospital visit I did get DX’d with schizophrenia but the doctor was extremely lax with my care and put me immediately on medium doses Abilify Olanzapine and Seroquel all at once and basically ruined my life so I felt at the time that she was incorrect. I was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which does have psychotic symptoms also, and PTSD. She diagnosed me schizophrenic because at the time I was hallucinating extremely frequently and totally detached from reality. Nothing has stopped this since 2014 but I havent been on antipsychotics since 2015

And fast forward to now I’m finally on mood stabilisers and have realised how INTENSELY delusional I was before that and it causes me huge distress, I destroyed many relationships and got into traumatic situations because of it without knowing. I didn’t know at all that I was delusional in ANY WAY before this. I knew that people would sometimes say so in Real Reality but that was when I was never actually in Real Reality like I thought I was

So I’ve been researching more and more about psychosis, I’ve talked with close friends who are psychotic, one of them gave me a workbook called DBT skills for psychosis and it made me finally fully realise that all these voices, sensations, places I am, things I am, realities splitting off - theyre psychosis and I really am experiencing them

Unfortunately now I’m in a weird spot. I feel like maybe that doctor was right and I am schizophrenic but I also feel like BPD describes my experiences very aptly and I feel great attachment to that label as it has helped me understand, process, and heal from extremely harmful things. But also it is literally impossible for me to tell if I’m just tricking myself again and there are so many voices saying conflicting things, yknow? And so many realities with different answers

But yeah everything I look up for schizophrenia matches my circumstances exactly. But I’m also autistic lol so it’s even MORE hard to tell. And I promise I’m not lying people say that a lot but I just have a lot going on and act really eloquent and calm in real life like something else takes over me and lies and acts “normal” for me. So nobody believes me and I’ve tried really hard to get help over and over and over but everyone just looks at me so angrily and annoyed and tells me I’m not really psychotic and they can’t spare their resources for me. I just want to be heard and understood :frowning:

I’m not asking for a diagnosis at all but I would love to know if anyone here has similar experiences to me and would also love to hear from anyone who is at a further point in their recovery than me as well

I hope this is the right place to post this I am very sorry and will remove it or change it if it’s not

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I’ve had a different experience. When I was psychotic people immediately called an ambulance and I got professional help. I never had to fight for help.

Are you still seeing a professional?

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I’ve seen two doctors and gone to the hospital emergency department this week and talked to a psychiatrist and they all treated me like dirt, the psych told me I just need to “change my way of thinking” after I described in detail the things I go through with psychosis. I don’t understand why and it makes me so confused. I was crying and freaking out and incoherent in one doctor appointment and they just got angry at me and told me they couldn’t help so I went home and decided to try to be calm and ask for help with careful explanation and I wrote a ton down because I can’t talk sometimes unless it’s in code or just at all, and this especially kicks in when I try to talk about psychosis because (something) doesn’t want me to contradict everything and manage symptoms and feel better. I went in to the psych and she didn’t listen to anything I said and put me down and told me that even though she’ll send off a referral to a community mental health service, it’s possible they won’t take me. She did a lot of horrible things that I am reporting her for

I’ve left my toxic job so will have more time to look for doctors who treat me with decency but right now and for a long time I’ve just been trying to get thru it

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In my experience it’s easier to get help when someone else calls the services. If you’re looking yourself for help people can view that as ‘insight’.

Do you have a relative that could advocate for you?

And sorry that you had such terrible experiences with docs. They are supposed to help.

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I have a really good support network so I think I could have someone help me advocate for myself that’s a really good idea, thank you so much for the suggestion :slight_smile:

I read some more about the term “insight” when applied to schizophrenia and psychosis. I can’t tell if I have that or not. I know I must have some insight to be able to say there’s something wrong, and there are some delusions I’ve had where I’ve been pretty quickly able to realise they’re not real. But there are others that are real, but I can’t talk about them… If you would feel comfortable sharing I’d love to hear about your own experiences with insight or just your thoughts on the whole concept of it
(Edit: just to be abundantly clear I’m not asking you to tell me if I have insight or not I’d just like to hear what other people go through)

Thanks so much for your compassion and for taking me seriously, it means a lot!!!

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Are you on any meds now?

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I’m on lamotrigine and venlafaxine (mood stabilizer and anti-depressant respectively), the lamotrigine started cutting through my psychosis immediately after I started taking it and this was actually how I discovered I was “really” psychotic, I was incredibly deep in delusion and can’t remember ever having felt any other way til I started lamoytigine

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I take both, with antipsychotics…
If it suits you, then it’s ok.
Did someone of doctors suggest antipsychotic?
I’m sorry you are going through this phase.

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I have been on antipsychotics before but they didn’t help (but I think I might have been over-medicated). I’d like to try an antipsychotic again and see if it helps me

Thank you for your kindness!!

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