There is a drop down box for the category, I picked the one that said, “or who think they might have schizophrenia” since I am not sure if I have it or not. I am very confused about what is wrong with me even though I have done a lot of reading and have been to see multiple professionals over the years. I guess I am wondering if anyone here can relate to what I experience or feels comfortable sharing about that.
The first thing that makes it hard to figure out is that mental illness runs in my family, we have had schizophrenia, manic depression, eating disorders, anxiety disorders and more. So there is a possible genetic risk. But then also because I am the first generation to try to get to help, a lot of people in my family abused each other especially their children, and I was abused, too. My father had paranoia and rage problems and could really violent and destructive, but he would never get help, and then he became homeless so we would try to get him into rehab for alcoholism but he always leaves and we can’t find him. One time when I was a teenager he rented a frontloader from the Amish (his story, I don’t think the Amish rent frontloaders) and used it to destroy the back yard. So I think he may have had some sort of illness. So anyway it is hard to tell if some symptoms are trauma or mental illness.
At first growing up I just symptoms like depression and anxiety. After I graduated from high school the anxiety became very terrible and I had to drop out of college because I would often hide in places when I was supposed to be in class. I tried to work but the only reason I held down my job was because a manager gave me special treatment (which I feel bad about but it is the truth). I had a hard time focusing on anything and also could not stop thinking about things that scared me like the government. I became very scared that everyone was going to be put in FEMA camps and killed, so I spent a lot of time at work researching this online. I was supposed to call our vendors but I was afraid to talk to people on the phone. I also didn’t dress right or shower, but I didn’t realize, and it turned out people were talking about it behind my back and I was very embarrassed and depressed when I found out.
Everything came to a head when I got into a huge fight with my mother and her husband about the FEMA camps. I didn’t mean to but I completely freaked out and was screaming at them, but it was because I loved them and was scared for them, and they wouldn’t take me seriously. They thought I was trying to be mean so we all wound up screaming at each other like it was a huge fight and it was terrible. But at some point maybe months later I did realize that I had been too paranoid and I let go off those thoughts.
This is an example of what I experience. It comes and goes, and I am eventually able to see that I was being irrational. It ruins my life, though. The worst time happened last year when I started getting conversations in my mind with entities (I don’t know what they actually are). On one hand I knew that they were not real, but they just felt real. Still I would talk with them, it felt like having friends in a way, but they became problematic and unpleasant. And eventually I guess I had lost my mind or something, my apartment room was filthy and I wasn’t showering and I didn’t understand why because I hadn’t really noticed, until my roommate who owned the place gave me a 30 days notice to get out because of the way I was. The conversations in my mind became more intense and we came up with a plan, we fled the state and I was homeless for a little while. It all made sense at the time, but when I came to my senses it was so terrible, I lost everything. My mother saved me by buying me a plane ticket to get back home, and I now live with her still.
I have tried to hold down jobs but I always freak out and feel confused at some point. The last one was as a cashier but they tried to frame me for theft. But maybe not really I guess it sounds unbelievable. It’s so hard to know for sure. But I am able to question myself like this at least? Now my mother travels a lot for business and I am home alone a lot, and that makes it worse. Whenever I have to be alone for days, especially at night time, all of my issues get way worse, and I feel like I can lose my mind within the time span of a couple hours. I also know I am not showering or changing my clothing anymore but I just don’t think about it most of the time. I don’t have the thoughts. I feel like I can’t deal with anything.
Sorry this was so long. Does anyone here relate to any of this?
The professionals I have seen have all said different things over the years, depression, anxiety, etc, and the last psychiatrist I saw wouldn’t diagnose me with anything but wanted me to take olanzapine. I tried it but it was awful, I could never work on that medication couldn’t think at all, so much fog, but I can’t keep jobs like this, either, feels hopeless.