Tormented and a form of torture

Lounge
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I can not stand being around people.

Even people that I love and even my family.

I go mute often and my body goes stiff and hysterical and it hurts me.
My eyes go stary and I can’t take in most of what they are saying when they talk to me and often I even feel attacked by invisible weapons.

My boyfriends parents and friends came over which happens almost daily and I have love for them but I feel tormented being around them with all my symptoms.

I am used to being just me.

I told my bf.

I thought his mum was so cute today because I could see my bf in her and they look a bit alike.

Dinners are soooo difficult and unbearable so I usually try to endure and be polite and then excuse myself.

It’s my own family as well and probably majority of people including clients I used to have.

I want to be care worker but I feel to uncomfortable around most and go mute and hysterical.
How can I give social support then…

I am so grateful that I nolonger hear voices or moaning 24/7 but I still have other symptoms and it is so difficult.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my bf but I get this way…

My bf mum even called me her daughter in law although we are not married and although I may act wierd with all my symptoms and ab normal.

With my own family I go mute and stiff etc and it hurts me.

I get so exhausted by it too.

My bf has been patient and not complained about it.
Thank God!!!

I really still wish I could have just one client who I can feel comfortable with and visa versa and get away from Cl and help and assist and do good but majority I can not.

I have been paranoid about people where I volunteer worked too.

I love and think I am social and even bubbly in spirit but in person I can not socialise and I have no friends and it makes it difficult for me.

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I love being around my bf and I could be around woman I used to agist off and I could be around woman who did my ultrasound but that was not long.

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When are u guys marrying
…

.:joy::smiley::sweat_smile::laughing::grin::grinning::wink::blush:

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There is a man in my body sometimes and he can not stand people and I think he might hate children.

He can be hysterical and intense and that could be it which means it is not me.

Because I see myself as social and calm and outgoing even but this man is close to me and there are others as well but it is actually not me.

Others were making my person do things years ago and it was malicious and not caring at all but I do not think it was me.

As a child my body was more empty and surviving so my eons were in others and I had apathy and hopeless man but better as a adult and specially cause I nolonger hear voices and moans but it is still so difficult .

:pray:t3::two_hearts:

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:blush:Naaaa God n golly knowzzzz

I said I would propose to him when I get bigger tits if that ever happens but he indicated he does not want me to propose but he would rather be one to do that if it ever happens cause he does not see marriage as necessary.

I said I see it as sacred but not necessarily but would be nice perhaps.

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It is not as bad as when I heard nasty voices and words and moans 24/7 but it still is rather difficult indeed.

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I’m sorry for writing this.

I am grateful for what I have…but I have difficulties socialising etc

Bloody hell might be heaven to/for mosquitoes…

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Dinner went rather well.

I was not hysterical inside nor totally mute as I even said a few questions and was not to confused or stary when they spoke.
I love :heart:️ his parents but I do not believe in some things.

I have cried last couple days.

I cried cause I suffer socialising etc
And outsider does not fit in as such and maybe cause I love and miss some dead people.
And animals I eat but pray for them.

And because I was so close to my grandmother and when I was hearing voices I heard her voice saying she pretended to love me and wants to kill me etc and I said this to her and made her so upset that it made her sick and go to Aged care home and some one said it was my fault because of my paranoia and she was disappointed that I believed what I heard and also gun shots screams and moaning and other things.
Atleast she lived to see me get license and aged care certificate.

I am so sorry :cry:
I love :heart:️ and my dog and others.

Thank flul for not hearing voices anymore but I am sorry .

Sorry to Anders and others but alcohol was bad destructive and made me a ■■■■ when I binged but I think it was others who were in my body getting in mischief but it was not me .

My bf is my first bf I had as sober that I do not drink alcohol.

I do love his parents actually.

My paranoia,voices etc ruined relationships even with my grandmother.

I am so sorry .
I felt tortured in those days.

So precious.

I pray for our food and I do eat meat and am nolonger vegan but I believe it can be good.