For a fleeting moment tonight I felt like I was on drugs. This leads me back to when I thought someone was drugging or poisoning me and I am scared to feel that way. It is like there are visions in my head that I think about and sometimes I get lost in the visions. Sometimes I feel like I am doing drugs and I see this in my head: myself high and invincible. It is hard to explain as are a lot of things that go on in my head. I don’t know why I have a fascination with drugs but I do. Not necessarily even illegal drugs but all of them. Even the word makes me want to say it over and over again. Words have been a problem for me lately, I catch them and hold on to them and don’t want to let them go, like pretty flowers. Sometimes in my head I repeat words I hear or say things over and over, but never out loud because then people would think I’m crazy. Sometimes I feel like I have to force myself to laugh. I will think a thought or something and laugh out loud like crazy. No one is ever around when I do this. It unsettles me though because I can’t control it.
I do take meds now: I get a depot shot though because of my medication noncompliance. And I’m on mood stabilizers that I usually take. But a lot of my fear revolves around medications and if they’re real or fake. I feel like the pharmacies mess with my meds too.
No… it comes and goes though. Did you find that your distrust of medication went away permanently?