Tired of living like this

DX'd - Other
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In which game? They have ranked mode in cod. I only play cod

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Thatā€™s good to know however in my case haldol is a lifesaver and I never wanna get off of it

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Tekken! Dude I never noticed that fighting games are just for me. Single player (I cannot blame others), with a lot of knowledge checks, mechanics, no need for godlike reactions (everything you drill beforehand), but it seems that you have godlike reactions lol, awesome and inclusive community for learning the game, ranked mode, offline tournaments where you meet people irl, etc.

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@everhopeful my last pdoc refused to change my meds so I requested a new one, I had to wait and be without a pdoc for 8 months. Then she wanted me on Clozapine for negative symptoms, I said no. She was going to prescribe Modafinil but said Clozapine is better. I didnā€™t believe her I donā€™t want weekly blood tests and it can cause heart problems and suppress immune system its scary. She closed my file. Idk if its worth it to see a 3rd pdoc. I need to wait at least 8 months again and its impossible to find a pdoc rn unless its the same one I had before. All pdocs are full and donā€™t take new patients unless I am hospitalized.

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Dude! Seriously? Weā€™ve been through that a million times. That may not be possible at the current time. I want to not have diabetes. I want to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I want my sister to be resurrected. I want to be like I was 20 years ago mentally. I want to be physically 20 years old for the rest of my life.

All probably not possible. So what do you do with unrealistic wishes like that? You throw out the expectations and just do the best you can.

Itā€™s good to have hope for improvement, but what your expressing is a childlike expectation of a miracle.

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Yes my pdocs told me its impossible to be like before sz but I canā€™t believe it. I go around in circles every few days thinking again its possible. Idk how stop that

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I had noticed you going round in circles, i try to help but going in circles ugh

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Will I be suspended for repeating these threads every week? Idk how many i made

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I donā€™t plan on suspending you for the threads but I canā€™t speak for everyoneā€¦

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Bowens is right sadly but you can do stuff to improve your life me personally I do archery and go fishing when I can but my therapist recommended a thing called ā€œbehavioural activationā€ itā€™s where you do stuff you used to enjoy and eventually it will cheer you up and also with sz you NEED a psychiatrist but yeah I think bowens was a bit too blunt for my liking even tho what heā€™s saying is true

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Iā€™ve been on this forum for 4 years with Aziz. I know the pattern. I think at this point some bluntness is needed.

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Maybe your right thatā€™s a long time however I think heā€™s struggling and looking for answers here however he needs a bloody psychiatrist to help him heā€™s smart in a sense that he knows whatā€™s going on he just had to see a doctor to get help

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I personally think if they found the right meds these symptoms would go away honestly I also think none of us can give/prescribe anything you need help I donā€™t doubt that but we can only do so much I hope you feel better soon and when you get a doctor listen to them and try to work on a solution

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I just started keto. If your feeling desperate itā€™s something to try at least.

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You know that therapy thing people keep suggesting and you keep ignoring?

Just a thought. Or you can flush another ten years of your life going in circles sounding like my daughter did at age four.

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I agree with shutterbug you gotta find a way too feel better therapy helps a lot of people

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I am up after 2 hours of sleep again.

@Aziz Look. Maybe I was a little too abrasive in my earlier response. But you really have to wake up, man. You are spinning your wheels and have been for years.

You have two issues that have been on repeat mode for 4 years.

  1. You are super negative about your current situation. Itā€™s toxic to yourself and the ultra negativity is something those who have been around awhile on the forum get drained hearing over and over.

  2. Despite your ultra negativity, you still have unrealistic expectations. You hope that a miracle will happen somehow and you will be changed back to how you were over 10 years ago, pre sz.

The truth is you can never go back to that time and be exactly how you were before.

Trust someone who is older and has had dealings with false unrealistic hopes in their life. Itā€™s good to have realistic hopes. Itā€™s good to be optimistic about possibilities. Itā€™s not good to to expect things that are unrealistic. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment and despair when you do this.

You may never be able to completely rid yourself of negative symptoms, but you may be able to improve with effort and trying new things over time. Accept whatever victories you are able to achieve.

You lost a lot of weight, for example. You should be proud of that accomplishment and be happy about that.

Try to improve but donā€™t expect miracles, overnight.

I complain too, but primarily about new things in the present. Iā€™m not perfect in this regard.

Could you maybe work on yourself and maybe at some point in the future get yourself to the point of going back to school or getting a job or a girlfriend with hard work? Maybe. If you want to strive for these goals, great. If you donā€™t want to try for them, accept that its not going to happen.

Are you going to be able to have no symptoms and be like you were pre sz? No. Unless someone comes up with some miracle pill or operation, no. Donā€™t pin your hopes on such. Expect to have to work with the tools you have now.

Iā€™m not some great achiever. But I donā€™t have the desire to do so at this point in my life. I accept where I am. I accept the real circumstances I live in.

If it turns out I have colon cancer, I will accept it and do what the doctors tell me to do. I have bad diabetes. I accept that my choices are to either change my diet or live with the consequences of out of control blood sugar. I have liver issues. I canā€™t wish them away and I wont sit around saying that I want it to be like they never happened.

I lost my jobs, career path, a house, friends, and more when I went psychotic, but you will not hear me living in the past because of it. I accept that it happened and will move forward.

Imo, your issues are about acceptance of your past and your current situations. And if you want to change any of these circumstances, you are going to have to do the work.

You canā€™t change your past but you can work on your present and future if thatā€™s what you want.

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I hear you Aziz! Iā€™m the same. I just lie in bed or on the couch. My life is kinda empty.

My friend was pushing me to get a Facebook account so people can contact me. He doesnā€™t know about my psychosis. Some of my delusions revolved around social media. So I avoid that. But itā€™s hard seeing people date, meet new friends etc while Iā€™m stuck here with this horrible illness.

My negatives have improved a lot. And thatā€™s on olanzapine, a sedative drug. But I still need to recover some more.

I think your problem is that you are stuck with risperidone. Risperidone just made me want to cry and sleep. It was like eating depression in a pill.

I hope that youā€™ll be able to switch drugs to one more activating drug.

I donā€™t have much advice to give. I just want to let you know you are not alone on this. Iā€™m here too, suffering from both negs and positives.

And yes, I dream of a life pre-sz.

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