My consciousness is becoming fragmented. Like I keep losing time and dissociating. But not in a split personality kind of way. More like alter egos I’ve created for myself are all battling to become “I” because coming up I never knew who “I” was. I wanted to be Jimi Hendrix and created a persona around that. I thought I was his reincarnation. I realized this was untrue but still integrated it into “me” and my music. I thought I was good again. It’s hard to explain without it sounding like split personality…because I know schizophrenia isn’t that. Now it seems like the real me and these other fragments of me want to come out.
There is a side that is broken. The real me. Spaceman Invader comes to pick me up and say “dude, come on man.” And then I’m hidden, but still experiencing and remembering, just as a more confident me. I still know that spaceman invader is me. I still know that the jimi persona was me trying to be jimi but became delusion. “I” have become “we”. This is extremely weird and I’m actually afraid to tell people about it because they might think I’m making it up or think I have a split personality…
But it’s been an internal battle for years and now it’s becoming external. I literally just argued with myself and felt two distinct presences fighting it out, but both me. And I don’t want to tell my doctor because I’m NOT going to be put away again! I hope someone can help me understand this…I am still me. I’ve never actually told anyone this.
Sorry for liking it and not saying anything. I was thinking of saying you do look like Jimi Hendrix but I didn’t think that would help anything. I can’t say I’m familiar with what you’re going through, it sounds serious. Maybe some of the people with DID here can help, it sounds somewhat similar.
I have DID and schizoaffective. It does sound a little different than DID at least from my personal experience. Cause my alters are separate people. it does kind of sound like when one of my alters takes consciousness with me though I’m still pretty aware of what’s going on at those times. And some of my alters are way similar to me and some others are so different from me I truly wonder how we coexist. so sometimes I get confused by who we are? Like who is the “real” me? But if you’re losing time and dissociating and such that sounds exactly like us? What are you all arguing about??
Sorry didn’t get the part that your afraid to be put away. Maybe if you baker act yourself, they can only hold you for 3 days, and get on some meds you’ll feel more like yourself and they won’t put you away.
Maybe this is why I’m fragmenting in the first place. I’ve been lying to my doctor and to my parents saying that i’ve been taking it because i want to truly be able to control this on my own. I know it’s possible. I need to be able to identify all triggers and how my mind works. If I can learn the ways, I can control them.
I tried like about ten times to get off meds. I felt better at first cause it felt natural, and like you said,I could handle it on my own. Things got so bad that I had to get back on meds
I’m gonna take it tonight and just see how i feel tomorrow. Just the zyprexa, though. I don’t need all that other crap they had me on. Ativan helps as well so i do still take that.
I can’t do that. Those are extra hands controlling my thoughts. That may sound delusional but medication controls us against our will. It took away the very thing that made me who “I” am. When I was on meds every day, i couldn’t write music and got no pleasure out of life. Sitting and watching TV every single day like a zombie. I can’t go back to that…i can’t. That’s not “me”. I’d rather be able to dim the switch so my light doesn’t burn out than have them forcibly keep the switch off.
I get it. I got of all meds a year ago except for Klonopin. I thought that would be enough. I started taking it six months later. I almost went over the edge, and I’m just coming back. It’s a dicey decision. I couldn’t take it anymore, the deppresion,and emotional pain , so I got back on them. Now I am able to control the side effects of the medication. If you feel suicidal, or so bad that you just can’t stand it what else can you do? That’s why I got back on my meds, but it is your decision
Meds have certain effects like dulling of the mind and personality. People experience difficulty being alert and driven on antipsychotics. Furthermore many of the emotional experiences which sort of define us and our lives become watered down or even completely absent. I don’t blame you for wanting to wean off your meds, in fact I’m doing the same thing myself. But there are certain meds we will always need, benzos don’t hurt your creativity that much. Small intermittent doses of antipsychotics are another option, so there are periods of time where there are less meds in your system.
Based on the way you speak in your vlogs I would consider you on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. You do activities which require motivation and maintain meaningful relationships with people. You also seem very understanding of what is going on in your mind, and seem able to judge whether or not what you are experiencing is reality.
But in this post you seem to be losing that grip on reality a bit. I suggest you monitor your condition over time, if it continues to get worse consider going back on the antipsychotics. This strategy has worked for many people before. Increasing meds when the illness gets worse and lowering them when it gets better.
And most of all, keep in touch whith what Pat Deegan refers to as “personal medicine”, things like interacting with other people, being creative, making music e.t.c… Most of the time this is more important in the long run than pharmaceutical medicine, but of course such medications have their place. You’re a great creative mind, the world would be worse off if we lost you to this illness.
All I can say OP is that I can relate. Sometime with even more than two distinctions, before I got properly medicated. The medication really does help me. And it could help you to, in theory.
Honestly, I feel that it was stress that was bringing on this psychosis. I just woke up. I feel really good…but…I’m also very vulnerable still so I need to take it easy for a few days. I still feel the “edge”. Lol writing this at 4 in the morning.