I haven’t had a thought about wanting to be “successful” (whatever that means) my entire life. I just enjoy whatever I enjoy and if I don’t enjoy it I don’t pursue it. I don’t find pleasure in “winning at life” unless it’s basketball.
For example in high school I wasn’t popular because I didn’t make it my aim to be popular. I enjoyed the people I encountered, enjoyed music, was very depressed but still at least I didn’t waste my energy chasing wind.
I’ve been ambitious all my life and failed at everything nonetheless. I failed at my marriage, at motherhood, at cosmetology, at nursing, at music production, at lesbian relationships, at driving a car, at piano performance. In other words at virtually everything I have ever done in life. I asked my nurse case manager about this once and she said it was due to my sza.
Sza changes so much. My uncle works as a VP for a great shipping company. He does very well financially. In a sense I see that as success. I also see heart problems in his future if he doesn’t cut the stress. I’m just wondering if that kind of success is really worth it in the end?
The attitude of enjoying what I enjoyed was how I went about academics. If a subject didn’t come naturally, if I hated it, I let it slide. If it interested me, or if it was easy, then it reflected in high grades. But I didn’t aim at the Honor Roll just to be on it. When I got to college, I had no idea what I “wanted to be.” And I wanted to stay in school as long as possible. What was success to me? A sunny spring day on the back porch in a lawn chair with something like Wordsworth’s “Tintern Abbey” to read thru my shades. Being a 20yo only once. Smell of grass under an azure sky. Bliss.
I was idle… I lost
I chased the wind… I lost
I mixed it up… I lost
I drank a beer under an azure sky and relaxed… I lost
I did some other things I shouldn’t have done… I lost
Then when I finally won, still, I lost…
We all fail in the end and the majority of us end up sitting in nursing homes peeing and shitting all over ourselves with our minds blanked out. Success becomes meaningless in the end unless the afterlife is better.
Success can be a personal success or something culturally or social. But striving for it is a very human thing to do. Most people want to win. I think it’s healthy
But you can win small , and maybe in the end , win big…