I’m hearing a lot of voices recently. I want to go back to my new home at my grandad’s house with my dad and his girlfriend because it’s much calmer there. I don’t feel right in San Francisco. I never really have. My brother is being abusive to me and my mom. The universe is trying to tell me something but I don’t exactly know what. I know the universe wants me to love that girl I was talking about, deeply, fall beautifully and purely in love with her and live a long life with her. She feels it too, but we are separated by many states. I am chain-smoking a lot. I smoke because it is a socially acceptable long term form of suicide lol. God I can’t believe my life has come to this. You guys told me it would take a while for my medications to work and I think that’s right although I feel better than a couple days ago.
Everything seems like it’s falling into place, but I don’t know if it’s a good place or a bad place. Everything seems like it’s happening for a reason. I am sleeping, so I’m not too unwell, but I have terrible nightmares. I do not want to kill myself. But sometimes I think about it. I try not to go near the Golden Gate Bridge because sometimes I’m afraid I will jump off. But I don’t want to kill myself. It’s just these thoughts come to me.
And I want to be better but it feels like I will be broken forever. I wish I was never diagnosed because now people discredit anything I say, both online and in real life. I’m sorry. I love this girl, but people in my life wonder if I only feel that way because I am manic.
I wrote her a letter. A love letter. She told me to write her a letter, and she gave me her address, but she knows it will be a love letter because that is the only type of letter I can write. I just love people so deeply. And the universe wanted me to write that letter. Once, I was in love with my best friend (another man) but he didn’t reciprocate because even though he is bisexual, he has a girlfriend who I don’t like. None of our friends like her.
But I’ve moved on. I’ve made my peace with it. I had written him a love letter which I read to him when we did MDMA a year ago, and we spent the entire time cuddling even though we both understood it could never work out. So then, a year later, I wrote him a “platonic love letter” saying I love him as a best friend and that I am fine with keeping it that way.
He doesn’t think my relationship with this girl will work out. But what does he know. One of my deepest, darkest fears, is that he will break up with his girlfriend, and I will be deeply in love with someone else, and he will confess to me that he loves me like I once loved him. I don’t want that to happen.
But given how the universe is behaving for me, it may very well come to ruin our lives. I am not in a good place right now.