Hi, my username is Skatchatoon. No, this is not a reference to living in Saskatoon or Saskatchewan really. It is a combination of these names of cities that I thought was clever, but it has nothing to do with living there or even living in Canada. I frequented this forum a couple years ago. I used to be on Invega Sustenna and it was horrible, and now I am doing well on Geodon.
This post will go into detail about my unusual belief, but not necessarily a delusion, that my two voices I hear that have stuck with me for the past 3 years represent two inner aspects of myself. One is the shadow self, and the other is the inner child.
I don’t really get strange delusions, but in the realm of delusion I have come up with many different interpretations of who and what the voices are in the past 3 years. I think lots of people with psychosis or sz come up with a lot of different ideas about what the voices, if applicable, are. I think reading about this more spiritual and psychological idea of what the voices are could help many people pick up the broken pieces in a very constructive manner in rebuilding their lives.
This is how my beliefs about the voices evolved. First, 3 years ago, I thought they were ghosts and that I had ESP. This quickly changed to the belief that the voices were demons. This belief that they were demons that inhabited me was very distressing and even led me to try a skype exorcism that did not work. This belief came back several times and was persistent, but it is an abhorrent way to think of these voices because they act mostly in accordance to what you believe about them. At times, I pondered if the voices were aliens that I was a plaything for, or even for a day I thought maybe it was the government. All these interpretations are dead wrong. In my following sections I will explain what they really are.
For a long time, I have been on the path of spiritual awakening. Even before the sz. Meditation, yoga, astrology and whatnot. Also I abused psychedelic drugs leading up to the psychosis. I had no relatives with history of sz that I know of. I believe my psychosis was born of psychological trauma throughout my life. My dad had ALS and died from it 4 years ago. This is a disease where your muscles slowly stop working. He was also very Catholic and strict. I was rebellious and sensitive. I grieved intensely for a whole year leading up to my psychosis.
To get to the point, when you view the voices from a spiritual standpoint, and you realize that the voices originate in your brain, you must realize that they are aspects of yourself that either broke off, never fully integrated, were rejected, or weren’t allowed to develop further. They probably originate from your life or inherited trauma in the psyche. I fought with these voices when I could hear them throughout the past 3 years because they were always negative, even telling me to do bad things. You have to accept the voices presence for now and have compassion for them. They are not malevolent. If they say negative things or command you to do harm to others, you need to tell them to focus on compassion, and calmly tell them you choose to love others and you will not do what they say because you are in control of the ship.
The shadow self is my aspect that is always angry and arguing with the inner child. The shadow self I think cannot hear my thoughts, but is instead told my thoughts by the inner child. The shadow self has gone by many names in my head, but the one I like the most is Nobody. The shadow self is the aspects of myself I rejected. A personification of my anxiety. From an astrological point of view, I am a Gemini, the twins. This would be my twin mind who is not necessarily evil, but he is very vindictive and angry when he feels insulted. He is very possessive of me and wants to be involved with me romantically oddly enough. I feel that the way to best cope with my shadow self is to do shadow work and try to make him listen to logical arguments about better healthier ways of thinking and having compassion so that we won’t both end up miserable.
The inner child says his name is Ezekiel. He told me a part of me never progressed past age six and that’s what he is. The inner child is a bit mischievious at times, playing tricks on me, but mostly he is very naive, but very optimistic and kind. He also does not like to be made fun of for being a child. Lately I have been experiencing traumatic memories from my childhood that are acted out in the voice and from the perspective of the inner child. I am doing healing sessions with a spiritual healer that heals the body by pinpointing where the source of trauma is stored in the brain or body. This is helping a lot.
When you view the voices as aspects of yourself, healing can occur rather than further delusion and depression. The voices are feeding me information about my subconscious, and thus, I can reflect on what is going on in my psyche to a better degree. The magic word for me and my voices now is compassion. When we have compassion for our other aspects, they will have compassion for us. My ultimate hope is that with the resolution of trauma they will go away, but if they don’t I always have medication, and I see them as tools to inner growth and spiritual evolution. Thank you for reading my post and I’d love to discuss with people in the comments about this.