I’m doing really well holding my ground, keeping this boundary and no longer enabling her. Her attempts at getting me to falter are slowing and I think she might have realized I’ve found some strength. It’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s no wonder it’s taken so long to do it. I’m hoping and praying that this helps her like everyone says it will.
I had a really sad conversation with my doctor yesterday about my daughter. She knows her very well. She knows drug addicts very well. She brought up the fact that my daughter might die and that ultimately that’s the fear behind my intrusive thoughts and a lot of the stress I’m having. I just sat and listened and cried. Yes, this is my fear. We are a population of 2700 and we’ve had 3 deaths from fentanyl overdose in the meth in the last couple months. I’m terrified.
Even if I’m not thinking about her dying, when the subject comes around to my daughter, and it always does, I can’t get through the conversation without crying uncontrollably. Prior to this I haven’t cried in probably 10 years. This pain cuts through the side effects of the medication even and pulls those tears right out of my heart. I hope she finds her way. She is such an incredible person, she has had so much to overcome and can be the kindest sweetest girl sometimes. I miss singing with her like no one is listening and seeing her happy.