It was crazy and stupid of me to think a mental hospital ( jail these days ) would be better than my one room apartment. I have been to hospitals as recent as last March and it wasn’t better and the long term hospitals( prison )are nicer than what I would get. I would immediately have to work toward getting out. I miss the days of large state hospitals. They weren’t all bad you know. I’m forced to fit into society here. Group homes might be worse too. Simply getting out for a few minutes a day has a psychological effect that is great. I’m on the edge so much thinking about suicide and have been for more than two decades. I probably value my life more because of that. I wanted to scream last night. I haven’t yelled in my apartment alone at night in years. I stopped yelling in my apartment almost completely, a few times only. I realized just now I’m doing better than a few years ago, I’m just a little weaker.
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