Feel like reminiscing on life. It’ll probably be long. I’ve posted my life story on here before I think but it was a long time ago and theres lots of new people on here now.
I’ve had symptoms of psychosis for as long as I can remember. Vivid visual and auditory hallucinations that decreased in intensity as I got older, I developed my first delusion when I was 5 that lasted around 8 years, horrible paranoia that all sorts of monsters or ghosts or whatever were coming to kill me to where I’d hide out of my room every night so they couldn’t find me. I started getting symptoms of depression when I was around 10 or 11, just felt empty and sad all the time and didnt understand why.
When I was 13 I had my first major depressive episode. Just crushing emptiness. It lasted a year and really messed me up. During it I stopped talking to people and when I finally came out of it I realized I had forgotten how to socialize normally. I wouldn’t regain my ability to talk easily for years, until basically college. It also messed up my relationship with my extended family and made it awkward, previously to this episode I was very close with them. It was never the same after.
When I was 16 I had my first major psychotic episode. It was horrific and lead to me developing PTSD. I was experiencing violent and extreme sexual, psychological and physical abuse at what I believed was either a demon or an evil spirit at the time. It was basically like living with an invisible sadistic rapist. I also believed I was the next messiah and the devil wanted to kidnap me and take me to hell to impregnate me with the antichrist and thus bring about the end of the world. I was talking with God and Jesus and could read messages from them and the devil in the clouds but also the clouds worked for the devil and could take me away. Storms meant the devil was near. If I thought anything he’d find me and take me and if I was left alone he’d take me. I lived in a state of constant terror and probably got around 3 hours of sleep a night between my own paranoia and the abuse, which often lasted hours at night as well as during the day.
I ended up getting a friend sucked into my episode who helped me question if things were real or not. I began to question my entire life and what was real or not. I became severely agonizingly depressed. I still struggled badly with psychosis and was in and out of episodes. My PTSD and depression made me suicidal and I had a plan to kill myself by 17 which I didnt go through with because God told me not to, and when I got out of my home environment which was stressful and into college things improved for me.
When I got to college I was finally able to see a therapist. My parents were anti mental health system and did not trust it or allow me to seek any kind of help for myself when I lived with them initially (they ended up coming around and are accepting of my diagnoses and me getting help for myself now). At first due to my upbringing I did not trust the system and was hesitant to talk about the extent of my experiences. I began a pattern of dropping out of therapy because I’d start doing better and have a patch of stability and feel I didnt need it anymore, only to crash terribly again and then be stuck without a therapist. It was quite dangerous. My sophomore year of college I finally shared the full extent of my symptoms and was diagnosed with a nonspecific psychotic and anxiety disorder. The therapist said I showed signs of being extremely traumatized but did not diagnose me with PTSD because she did not see what I had to be traumatized about. (This was an ongoing issue I faced-healthcare professionals not realizing psychosis in itself was traumatic. The abuse I experienced may not have technically been real, but it was very real to me when I experienced it, along with all the other terror I went through) I was prescribed medication but refused to take it.
It wasn’t until my junior year of college where I became desperate enough to try medication. I had such terrible side effects and was psychotic at the time so I thought I was being poisoned and tossed it all. When I was better I tried again. And again. And again. I would continuously drop medications due to the side effects which would throw me into wild periods of instability one of which lead to me becoming suicidal again and harming myself and going into a partial hospitalization program. But eventually I found my very first med combo that showed me what it felt like to be truly normal. Zoloft and risperidone. Zoloft did wonders for my mood, anxiety and PTSD and risperidone completely took away my psychosis. Even as well as the meds I’m on now work, I do not think they work as well as those meds did for me. Unfortunately they had such serious side effects that I could not stay on them. At the time my diagnosis changed to major depressive disorder with psychotic features.
Summer after my senior year of college I was trying out geodon and wellbutrin and something in that combo gave me some form of mania. I was euphoric, literally did not feel like I had to sleep, my hallucinations were crazy, I was starting drama with everyone, making huge splurge purchases and I was quite paranoid to where I was sleeping with a knife. However I was also amazingly on top of my schoolwork and exercising and even cooking 3 all my meals every day. It was a crazy experience. I felt life was so wonderful.
This did not last and I ended up going back into depression and becoming suicidal again after graduating college. My new therapist finally recognized my trauma and diagnosed me with PTSD and I began trauma therapy which helped a great deal as it had become very bad again upon moving back to my old hometown where I had my first episode. I also received the new diagnosis of schizoaffective bipolar type based on the one manic episode I had had. (I dont agree with the bipolar type, I have never had mania outside of when I was on those specific medications) I also ended up being diagnosed with type II narcolepsy. Once treated for narcolepsy my “negative symptoms” disappeared and the narcolepsy medication seemed to help with my hallucinations as well, leading my doctor to believe I probably had some strange mix of sleep disorder and psychosis. (My diagnosis didnt change though)
Anyways I ended up finally finding medication that worked for me so well to where I actually didnt need therapy anymore and have not been in it for months now and feel no need to return, the longest i have gone without therapy since I was 18. I am 24 now and I haven’t had any major symptoms in almost a year, just brief mild ones here and there, and haven’t had any major episodes either mood or psychosis in years. I got accepted into nursing school several months ago and have been succeeding in it. School is so SO much easier now that I am being properly treated for my mental and sleep disorders, I dont even need my school’s disability services. Before proper treatment school was like an uphill battle where I was constantly failing and having to retake classes. (Magically I only graduated a semester late-with a neuroscience degree!) I am in a serious and loving relationship going on 7 months now. Life is stressful. It’s not easy. But it’s good. And the stressors I am dealing with are finally normal. That feels good. I am always making progress. Recovery is possible. You just have to keep fighting.
That’s my story!