Cant stop thinking about it all

Life in general. Childhood. The progression of everything. I am so proud of how far I’ve come.

3 was when my first memories started. I hallucinated vividly back then, crazy things like people talking in my fan or running around in my blankets. I thought it was cool. I heard music too. I also saw disturbing faces in things and would make my mom take paintings out of my room.

5 was when I started getting horrific nightmares and becoming terrified at night that my life was in danger. Told mom there were “ghosts” in my room. Became delusional that I was a strong werewolf that could fight away the monsters coming to kill me.

By 8 I became a lucid dreamer and could fight back at my nightmares. I made friends with the “ghosts” I thought were around me. I stopped hallucinating.

By 10 my depression was beginning. I told my mom I felt like a black hole was inside of me. I had a constant sadness I couldn’t shake or understand.

By 12 I sunk into profound depression. Felt like carrying a boulder around on my chest. Lost ability to socialize and talk to others. Got to point where I could feel nothing at all.

By 14 I became spiritual, and was lifted from my depression. Also finally stopped believing I was a werewolf and moved to more spiritual delusions, like angels controlled my life or I was God.

By 15 I was at a spiritual high. I was talking to God and Jesus, my guardian angel, spirit guides…my hallucinations began to came back but more mild…lights and other trippy things…I believed this was what I was seeing with my third eye…I believed I was an entity from another dimension.

By 16 I had my first serious and terrifying psychotic episode that lasted a year and half. I was constantly surrounded by demons and experienced horrific tactile hallucinations of being sexually abused. They would say awful things to me, invade my dreams. I rarely slept, which probably made things worse. Life was terrible. I spent school pretending none of it was happening, every second away from my friends just repeating over and over in my head “none of it is real, none of it happened” or trying to hide my thoughts so the devil couldn’t hear them. Reading messages in the clouds and afraid they’d take me to hell…afraid of being kidnapped by the devil if I was left alone…awful, awful. Eventually became aware I may have issues after a friend intervention.

By 17 develop horrible anxiety issues and become depressed again. Flashbacks begin. Dissociation begins. Rage begins. Can’t comprehend what I experienced, what was real, what wasn’t. Relationship fails because sex has been ruined for me. Still paranoid at night, believing I’m going to be mother to the antichrist. Become suicidal until finally went to go see the school psychologist because my mom would not listen to me about what I was feeling and experiencing.

By 18 become hopeful in college. New wonderful friends. Almost feel normal. CBT therapy through my school. Psychotic episode in the summer where I was afraid the demons were back. First out of body feelings.

By 19 anxiety becomes unmanageable. Spending all time trying to battle it and grades start dropping. Anxiety has spread to every area of my life and I can’t even do things I previously enjoyed before without getting anxiety attacks. Referenced by people on here to go to a behavioral health facility for treatment. Awful experience there, was not helped at all.

By 20 slip back into psychosis and depression. Being tormented by demons. Feel corrupted and loathe self. Fail both summer classes as I just stopped going. Eventually come out of that episode and get back in therapy. Tried medication but was too paranoid and threw it away. Did well for a while and then anxiety struck again…depression came back as bad as senior year of hs…suicidal thoughts constantly. Planning death. Needed to drink to get through the day. Constant pain. Irritable at everything. Finally start meds again. Eventually pulled out of depression. Anxiety has been dulled incredibly. I am finally experiencing hope and happiness. I am confident in who I am and determined to have the quality of life I deserve. I will fight for that right. My friends know of my issues and are supportive and that means the world to me. No more secrets or shame for me.

I have come a long, long way.

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Yes you have. Good for you!

Things will work out fine for you, you’re strong!

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Cool story Anna. I hope things continue getting better for you.

Interesting story. You definitely come a long long way. And you can have way to a bright future.

You have been through more emotional turmoil than the vast majority of people on this planet will ever even realise is possible, let alone experienced themselves.

I’m typically fairly robotic when it comes to my emotions, but you managed to make me feel quite a number of feelings through your post. If more people were capable of such honest testimony of their life struggle, fewer people would suffer in the silence of their shame and fear.

Seriously, you have my admiration.

Keep on keeping on!

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Thank you for kind comments guys, it means a lot to me.

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