Today was a very weird day for me. Not in a sense that something was out of place, but everything was the exact same as it was the last couple of days. The one thing that I haven’t told anyone about my voices is that they tell me that I’m a liar. They tell me that I’m not really schizophrenic and I’m making all of this up in my head. Sometimes it comes as voices and other times it comes as intrusive thoughts. It’s like their getting smarter. Having harder and harder days because of it and I can’t really tell if everything is moving in slower motion or speeding up. I think I’m slipping into a pretty deep depression. Anyways, do your voices do anything similar?
I frequently have the delusion that I’m not really sick. I have learned from experience not to listen to it though. I tried going off my meds and figured out pretty quickly that yes, I am really sick.
To me voices are like dreams. With dreams what happens in every scene is made of concepts that you’ve seen before, and then they connect from one to the next sometimes by what fits best, and sometimes as though the dream restarts somewhere randomly. It’s like the brain is in real roam mode like it were walking around in the real world, but really the only thing it is processing are images, senses, and concepts of what you have experienced or understand basically like an IQ test.
So basically the dream and the voices are like this ongoing IQ test, but really that is what awareness is like anyway. All the time every person is connecting the dots, asking themselves what something is when they sense it, thinking about one thing because they thought or felt another thing, and it’s like dominoes regardless of dream, voices, or just plain thinking how most people think. It is how the brain computer is mechanically, and it’s very neat, precise, and special.
The funny thing about voices is that we get so worked up, and often for many people worked up over them for years, but then the fact is that it’s all imagined. It was just our creative genius brains computing all of this stuff. When you can feel that without a doubt in your mind that what you are knowing and grasping with your head is the real reality, it is the cleanest, purest feeling. It’s like coming out of a hot, sweaty, uncomfortable sauna after a hundred years. Ahhhhhhh
Then you know how the other part of society thinks and feels about their thoughts and feelings.
It’s like all of that stuff which was an entire world of chaos which appeared and sounded to be all around you at all times suddenly shrinks to nothing that ever happened to you or anyone at all, but which originated from somewhere deep inside your head where no one really cares to talk about actually. In fact you realize that you don’t even care about something as minuscule as useless thought, feeling, or vision. Hehe. What a relief: to not care about what’s functioning about your mind. It’s really priceless.
What it looks like ahead is that you have a lot to learn about this kind of reality, and what it looks like behind is that your brain must be a genius to have come up with all of those things you were experiencing for so long. Pure genius like a dream machine illustrating a whole virtual reality world all around you so real, so vivid, and too real, right? I mean so real it’s scary. People have Chronic PTSD from that kind of powerful vivid imagination. The panic, right?
It’s just your brain feeding you what you know from your real world experiences with others, yourself, and everything in between. I mean it’s a pseudo world of your IQ illustrated on multiple levels at one time. The real kicker in life would be to figure out how to harness all of that genius power working overtime on so many levels for you.
The funniest thing of all is when you look back, and you can truly see how the world sees what has happened, and it’s worthless thin air: solid years of pseudo memory. A fake memory, and that makes a real memory worth more than gold.
I bet if real memory were a commodity, the scz society would work really hard to put a down payment on it, and make payment plans for it. No one would sit around and be lazy for the chance of having and keeping their real memory over this fake memory that tears away the humans from their humans.
Niceberg
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My voices are always internal. They definitely tell me I am not really sick. They tell me I am part of a brain study that I started and then was hypnotized to forget it. They do say conflicting things to me, ie; we love you/we hate you. I think I signed up for this brain study I’m in so I signed up for whatever they do to me. It scares the sh*t out of me. My delusion is my main symptom and my inner voices are part of that delusion.