The direct connection between punishing and our low self esteem

No use punishing over spilled milk.

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I put myself down all day.

I put myself down all day too, beat myself up a lot. I have low self esteem. I wonder if the low self esteem comes from being picked on my whole life, or I got picked on because of the low self esteem. I’d like to move on, but the low self esteem is suck in there pretty good.

Part of my low self esteem is that I my self esteem was so low already that I let myself believe what they said about me.

The low self-esteem comes from anybody in public or at work or school knowing your vulnerable and all it would take is to have someone say is “you’re crazy” and I would fold like a card house.

I don’t know if it’s me or the voices in my head putting me down daily, I have enough voices in my head putting me down I don’t need to hear it from other people as well…

my self esteem is so low i have to pick it up from the gutter every day…
take care

I also beat myself up and talk myself down. It’s taken a lot of work to keep any shred of self esteem I’ve tried to build up in myself. I really beat myself up and brood over small mistakes and have in the past thrown myself into a panic attack over mistakes I’ve made.

I get so angry with myself when I’m afraid to stand up for myself over stuff that I KNOW I’m right on because for so long, I was too ill to be right on anything.

Self esteem has been a mysterious thing for me, there have been times when I’ve had very healthy self esteem and high confidence and was not even aware it. For instance in my mid 20’s I lived on a 90acre community farm for a year and half and despite being newly psychotic I was busy all day raising animals and making repairs and what not. I left that place with a woman I’d met there and moved to her condo in the city where I in short order lost all semblance of what self esteem and confidence I’d built up over that 1.5 years.

I wasn’t even aware of it until she asked me where all my confidence had gone, I said “what confidence?” and she said that that was what she had initially found attractive about me, which was news to me. I left all that self esteem there at the farm when I moved, it was based on my life there and not my life outside that community at all.

Have you ever thought of going back to that community farm?

Absolutely I have,

but this was a “therapeutic community” that helps people recover from mental health issues and comes with a quite hefty price tag that wouldn’t justify going back just to be there. I have visited a couple of times and got to see a lot of the people I knew there. For years my long term goal was getting a job there, in fact a friend of mine who was there recovering is now the farm manager. But I don’t know, it’s a long term goal and I’m not even sure it’s a realistic goal or it’s even what I want to do.