Hi.
In this post I would like you to share the bright side of this illness if you feel there is any.
For me, the first seeds of being psychotic and manic felt a great deal like enlightenment and rebirth. I felt powerful and omnipotent.
This of course made it twice as frustrating and painful when people told me, and in fact forcibly made me realize that they thought it was an illness.
The good feeling of omnipotence and strength sticks with me to this day, even though I think of it differently now.
Most of the pain has also gone away and I have some peace of mind.
So all in all I feel like this journey of psychosis and mental illness was for the best. I feel like I learned a lot, and also forgot a lot haha ļø but I will remember what I have forgotten, I hope.
I hope for the best and wish the best upon anyone reading this too, including you.
Thatās all well until someone falls of a tall building believing they can fly ,or gets hit by traffic believing they can walk safely down a busy main road thanks to a delusional belief in super powers.
Something about us who hear voices and first hearing the āvoice of godā. I also fell for this delusion, now I believe I heard a friends voice pretending to be god in order to haze me into a ātelepathicā world. No longer have a god delusion just hear a voice of an old friend that always puts me down.
Like in the matrix if we knew the red pill would lead us down this straight we would have spit it in Morpheus face and take the blue pill.
Having schizophrenia has made me a kinder, less judgmental, man. I know none of you are going to believe this, but I used to be a self-centered jerk. Please, stop your protestations, itās true.
Perhaps it has made me more humble and compassionate than I would have been. I canāt say that for sure as I was basically a kid (14) when I got sick.
I had to fight every minute of every day for the first two years of my disease to not go stark raving mad. It was pretty cool. I learned a lot. Well, actually, I fibbed. it taught me nothing.
The culmination of sza and ptsd has lead me down an interesting path. Basically, bad things happen to people all the time. It is teaching me to feel like less of a victim and more of a survivor.
I canāt really think of anything. Maybe it made me appreciate things that other people find totally normal. That I used to find normal.
E.g. Iām happy and thankful if I can take care of my own son for a whole day, while others spend loads of time with their children and donāt see how special that is. Iām thankful if I have a day or a week with little fear. I am proud that I can do volunteering now and then. Iām happy if my house is clean(ish). Iām not sure if it is positive, but to be thankful with such normal things is something I had to learn because of my psychotic disorder.
My uncle is suffering fromā¦ wellā¦ we donāt really know, maybe autism, maybe psychosis, maybe anxiety disorder. His life is quite limited, in the sense that he hasnāt got a wife, children, friends, job, etc. He always calls my mum about things like āoh, I got a postcard from ā¦, isnāt that wonderful?ā or āI made a ride through the field today, how nice is that!?ā He is my example in this, he really values these daily things that others might completely overlook.
The bright side for me has been seeing how devoted and loving my husband is. He has been here with me through it all. I call him while heās at work at all hours of the night, and he just stays on the phone with me until I calm down. He talks me through it all if he isnāt home with me. And if he is, heās right here, holding my hand or cuddling with me and doing whatever it takes to distract me. I never would have gotten to see this if not for sza. I only hope that Iām able to show him how much I care the same way he has to me.
ļø but I will remember what I have forgotten, I hope.