I get muscle tension, I live with it. Xanax takes the edge off, I am prescribed Xanax but take less than prescribed, for a number of reasons, mainly I don’t want to be on a controlled substance every waking moment of my life, which is what my prescription legally permits me to do.
It helps for me to lift weights, heavy weights, and to set aside time to relax and talk to friends. Sex is great for relieving my tension, but lately I have been a little whore and I’ve decided that the next time I have sex, I want it to mean something, not just be mutual masturbation, what my shrink calls casual sex.
Anxiety still affects me. I have anxiety separate from schizophrenia. I feel anxious most mornings and exhausted most evenings, but I power through it. I just remind myself of what I have been through and how strong I am today, literally as an athlete and also mentally as a high functioning paranoid schizophrenic.
You learn to live with it. This morning I woke up early and have been having flashbacks to my unmedicated days, which were at their worst at this time last year. A year ago to this day, I was drinking non-stop, I was a highly functioning ragining alcoholic and I was on ZERO prescription medications. I was done with finals a week early last year, and I was drinking already at 11am, I put whiskey in my coffee every morning, played video games, went to the gym, drank a ton of water, then drank a fifth of fireball whiskey, acted like a village idiot and went to bed. I didn’t get hangovers because I was dependent on alcohol, I got a headache and chills if I DIDNT have booze in me.
Anxiety sucks, but it doesn’t mean you are worthless unless you let it win. Every morning I wake up anxious as hell. I still eat, take my meds, get in the car and go to school and do my best. Its a more rewarding life to have problems but to defeat them.
I daydream about what kind of person I would have been if it werent for my mental problems- probably a military officer, thats were I was headed, full steam ahead until schizophrenia struck me at 18 1/2. I was about to join ROTC but I was forced into the shrink and psychiatrists offices by my parents and was told that I was in a major depressive episode and that I was not fit for service, and to not waste my time applying for ROTC. What they didnt know was that I had schizophrenia and they mistook my demeanor for major depression- a very common mistake, I now know after taking honors abnormal psychology.