Schizophrenia.com

Tell me a joke

I have noticed that jokes are good methods to counter depression, because these make me to laugh and so depamine may be released in my brain. It is similar to having sex or having nicotine. If you have a good joke, let us know it.

The Role of Dopamine and Norepinephrine in Depression

I’ll give a joke a try.

A lady in a college dorm just gets into the bath where there is a knock on the door.

She asks who it is.

The man on the other side of the door says: I’m the blind man and I really need to get in there.

She hesitates, but he did say he was the blind man. So she got out of the bath and doesn’t cover up at all as she opens the door for him.

He comes in pauses and says… “Nice breast… But, I have to up the blinds.”

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Here’s a short one…

Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors?

Because if it had four door it would be a chicken sedan.

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Here’s one: did you hear about the Polock that locked his keys in the car…it took him four hours to get his family out!
I’m Polish so I can tell Polock jokes.
My boyfriend told me this one: a Jew, a German, and a Polock are walking through the desert. The German asked the Jew “hey Jew why are you carrying that water?” The Jew says “so if we get thirsty we can have a drink.” The Jew asked the German “hey why are you carrying that sausage?” The German says “so if we get hungry we have something to eat.” The Jew and the German look at each other and ask “hey Polock why are you carrying that car door?” The Polock says “so if we get hot I can roll the window down.”

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Have you ever heard the boomerang joke? No? I’m sure you have, it’ll come back to you.

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Just found this gem:

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm with a very lavish home and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said… ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend…
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” Said Bob

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes!,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did…"

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry,buddy… I’m afraid I did.’ 'Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana :banana:

Banana who?

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Banana :banana:

Banana who?

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Banana :banana:

Banana who?

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Banana :banana:

Banana who?
Knock knock

Who’s there?
Orange :large_orange_diamond:

Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana. :banana:

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How can you tell if a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? :cookie: :cookie: :cookie:

There’s M&M shells all over the floor :candy:

No offense to any blondes on here :princess:

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What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

Tear Gas

:laughing:

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What does the baker have under his apron?

Dough Nuts

:doughnut: ???

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Why was the dumb blondes naval black and blue?
Her boyfriend was a dumb blonde too.

Why was the blondes naval black and blue?

Unfortunately dumb is implied in these types of jokes.

Have you heard about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…

What did Cinderella say at the photo developer?

Some day my prints will come.

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Three idiots were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The instructor conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
“So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The three idiots all nodded.

The instructor got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first idiot and withdrew it after about two seconds.

“Now,”
he said,
“did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The idiot immediately said,

“Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said,

“Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a side profile of his face!
You’re dismissed!”
The first idiot hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second idiot, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

“What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a side profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You’re excused too!”
The second idiot sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last idiot and said,

“This is probably a waste of time, but…”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
“All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”
The idiot said,

"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the idiot with a puzzled expression and said,
“You’re absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The idiot rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses

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TOPIC:HUMAN KINDNESS

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners.An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kirkcaldy High School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to sod off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

Why didn’t the Arab couple sleep together on their wedding night?
Two tents (too tense).

http://pulptastic.com/genius-test-answers/ thought I might share this to give you laughs Good vibes Chris

A man is talking to his psychiatrist.
“Doc, I’m worried. Some days I wake up and I feel like a teepee, and some days I wake up and I feel like a wigwam”.
The psychiatrists answers, “You’ll be OK. You’re just two tense”.

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