SZA diagnosed, Bipolar Type 2. I’m peaking in my hypomania right now, I can feel it. It’s kind of like when a fever gets to its worst before it’s about to break. I feel light headed. My heart is pounding in my chest. I know I need to slow down and rest, but I can’t. Everything is wonderful and terrible and hopeful and the worst thing in the world. I’ve been sobbing on and off about everything, meanwhile feeling like I need to tackle ten different projects.
All I can think about is coming down, having some time as normal, and then dipping into that low again. My lows are so low and long, it frightens me knowing I’ll go into it again. I try not to think about it, to keep myself distracted. But it’s hard not to dread this.
In my depression is also where I get the most persecutory delusions. It sucks because when I talk about how paranoid I am, I feel like I’m constantly given advice about how to manage it, when I just need to talk about it. It’s part of who I am and my experience. Other than what I’m doing right now, there’s not a whole lot I can do to change it.
I don’t know. Everything feels so far away. I’m just not having fun. I am safe, though.