Stressed beyond words

[Genbu]

I don’t know where to begin to describe how miserable I’ve been feeling.

All throughout my life I’ve suppressed so many feelings and pains because I figured it was the right thing to do.

The last time I went to the ER I had to get a scan of my stomach for some pain I was having. They found multiple masses and tumors on both kidneys and masses on my liver.

At the time I started to get emotional when the doctor told me but I immediately acted like I was okay instead.

It’s only recently since moving out of my brothers one bedroom apartment that I feel immense pressure to do something myself.

The problem is I don’t know where or how to begin… I feel paralyzed to the point of staring at the walls and wanting to shut down.

I have zero social connections and have never worked in my life. I’ve never been comfortable with the outside world and have been using music as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling anything.

I’ve been extremely avoidant out of fear and a lot of those fears are related to some perceived trauma.

Part of me feels like its just punishment for lying to myself almost all my life.

I haven’t addressed what I needed to to make changes because the weight of what I’m having to deal with feels like too much.

I’m not sure what to think or do so I don’t.

All I’ve been doing is pretending to be okay. It’s all I’ve ever done.

The situation at my brothers apartment was just too unhealthy to stick around though and I thought getting away would help.

The cats litter never gets changed.
My older brother moved in and brought his 5 kids with him.
No one eats healthy and everyone eats and sleeps late.
The dog has chf and fleas and need gets nails trimmed.
My mom pays for most of the rent.
It was just extremely unhealthy.

I’m just… silenced beyond words.

I’m not trying to blame anyone but I feel I’ve hit the lowest low ever.

[Jonnybegood]

I don’t know what to say really other than you’re a great person who’s always been very supportive of me. And I’ve never seen you really reaching out for help much before… I’m sorry about your health and family issues. May peace be within you and to you. I love you @Genbu you’re a great guy. And it takes a bunch for me to say that to a person usually.

[Genbu]

Thanks.

It means alot.

I’m just not too good with showing vulnerability.

It’s biting me in the ass.

[Jonnybegood]

I usually am not either but you’ve touched me a great deal. Even just sometimes “liking” my posts that no one else would ever “like”. You mean a lot to me. Please take care of yourself. Have a good day. I’ll talk to u Later.

[dreamer54]

Is there something you consider you are good at? I think with a job most of the problems could be solved by themselves.

[Schztuna]

Sorry you’re going through this @Genbu.

The main thing is health-- both physical and mental. It’s probably for the best that you left your brother’s house as it sounds like it was affecting you. Are you taking care of your physical health as well? Stress plays such a huge role in how we feel. Do you have a therapist? They can be extremely helpful if you find someone you can connect with.

Hope things will get better

[Csummers]

Wow, sorry the stress has hit you hard.
I hope you can try to do each day only what you are able for the moment… think of the future as something best delt with as the need happens.
Be kind to yourself by allowing yourself time to think things through without feeling the need to act on it just yet.
Always trust your intuition.

[Genbu]

It’s not just the stress but I’ve been quietly stirring with some deep emotional pains I’ve had buried that since having alone time I can deal with.

But there does seem to be a sense of resolving the pains its just not easy looking at them.

[Genbu]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I’m feeling a lot better actually just relaxing.

[Genbu]

Ok… I gotta end this now.

Thing is: I know I’m being delusional but I only wanted to believe some of the Spiritual nonsense that’s out there because it was a coping mechanism to avoid facing so many issues I’ve been avoiding.

Linkin Park Lyrics

"Mark The Graves"

There’s a fragile game we play
With the ghosts of yesterday
If we can’t let go, we’ll never say goodbye

No trace of what remains
No stones to mark the graves
Only memories we thought we could deny

There was so much more to lose
Than the pain I put you through
In my carelessness I left you in the dark

And the blood may wash away
But the scars will never fade
At least I know somehow I made a mark

In the dark
In the light
Nothing left
Nothing right

In the dark
In the light
Nothing left
Nothing right

In the dark
In the light
Nothing left
Nothing right

In the dark
In the light
Nothing left
Nothing right

===

It’s only because of some spiritual information that says, “No you can’t believe what you want.” that I started to break it off. To avoid dealing with the pain.

It kills me because I worried too much about how this would affect my projected self image that I kept ignoring it.

I had to research, “Twin Flames dont exist” to find a sort of split of information that branches into all manner of nonsense.

At that point I felt this is too critical to ignore because what is said or not said affects the whole. The collective consciousness.

Knowing such a thing who can ignore such serious implications?

This thing is a boulder on my mind.

And some spiritual paths want to suggest, “Suffering is heroic” and I thought that was nonsense too.

If there isn’t a resolve about certain pains there isn’t anything heroic about suffering for essentially nothing.

What else do I have to say.

I’m out out of words unless someone has something they want to add.

I’m not going to the grave like this though.

I don’t want to encourage this kind of behavior in the future but a part of me also understands why people want to believe what they want to.

I really do…

[Genbu]

[Genbu]

[gobeyond]

Your living situation does sound very stressful. Is it possible that you are turning that stress inward- not having a way to outlet it and therefore getting depressed? Anger turned inward= depression. Interact a little more with your brothers and blow off a little steam it will clear your air and help you. It was OK until your older brother moved in, cramped now. Now all the things you have rightly been handling seem too heavy. What is your coping mechanism? How can you make the best out of a bad situation?

[Genbu]

I’m just going to have to make some big steps to get my own place.

Which means doing a lot of things I’ve been avoiding and have never done.

The only coping mechanism I had was music and erotomania and imagination… but that spell ran dry.

I can’t really afford to use any more coping mechanisms. Getting outside in nature and stuff helps a bit to keep me from feeling too low.

Just trying to focus on thinking about making it to the other side of the bridge.

[naturallycured]

I can’t imagine what you’re going through stresswise! I hope you can pull through.

As for the masses, Google “Budwig protocol testimonials”, you’ll find reports of people reversing late stage cancer with that all natural method.