And his brother had been to a training about mental illnesses. He started talking all about sz. What he was saying was true and I joined in the conversation by saying some of what I know. But I couldn’t share my experiences, or say why I know more than the average person about sz. It felt crappy, like I was lying by not sharing why I know about sz. My husbands family doesn’t know that about me or my son. I wanted so much to say, but I didn’t.
When we got home, I told my husband how I felt and I asked him if it would bother him if I came out and told his family that I have sz. He said that it would be fine with him. That sounds generous, right? But my husband doesn’t ever ask me questions about what I’ve been through or what I experience…
I don’t think he understands that it’s not like watching a tv show…
There’s absolutely no way to talk about sz “first person” and have anyone understand.
It’s incredibly isolating and lonely.
I’m sorry you feel so isolated. And whatever you decide to do, tell them or not, it is your right. Don’t feel like you need to explain yourself to anyone. And, if you get the feeling someone is safe to tell and you trust them and really want to tell them, consider that it might be best to open up.
It is a tricky situation. When do I tell someone? Because once you say it there is no taking it back. On the other hand if they react poorly, that is their mistake and not yours.
I appreciate that, @Futomimi. I want to tell them but just like when I told my husband, I feel like it will sit there, just be there. So I’m wondering what the point is after all, when people who haven’t ever sat on the bathroom floor with a knife, sobbing, crushed by a berating angel simply can’t fathom anything close. When I start telling my husband anything about my experiences, his eyes glaze over. There is no empathy for something that doesn’t sound real, and no questions…
I want people to know, and yet I dread the aftermath…
I know exactly how you feel. I sometimes want to tell my mom more about what I go through. Because sometimes, since I can seem so normal, she doesn’t get that I need to be watched a little. But I’m so afraid of that point, that point where I tell her something and she no longer sees me as her son but as a sick person, maybe even a potentially dangerous person.
I could be wrong. But it sounds more like your husband just has trouble processing what is going on with you. It is easier for him to not think about it despite how much he cares for you. Maybe try to understand it not as an unwillingness to be understanding but an unaware hesitancy to do so.
Isolating and alone it is. I also don’t discuss it with the husband. It is hard for him I’m sure because there is nothing he can do or say to make the situation different. Perhaps I talk more the past few months because I am at a point where I am older and want to become more comfortable in my own skin and keeping everything to yourself is debilitating and also counterproductive. And also this past year has been one of the hardest so it goes without saying I’m much more different and need him to understand why.
I feel for you as you’re in a tough situation. I haven’t told the husbands family or most of my own and don’t plan to but I think if you are feeling like you should then you should. From what it sounds like they will be understanding. My concern is always stigma and ignorance which is what it seems his family doesn’t have right now and are open minded.
That’s so wise that it makes me cry, @Futomimi. Thank you. I want to believe that it’s for a good reason.
I don’t know your mother, but I’m a mom and I love my son more than life. He has sz too. I understand him more than a mom without sz, but my “mom love” is the same as other moms who love their kids, and there’s nothing my son could say to me to make me love him less.
Thank you for saying that. My mom is so unbelievably good to me. When I got too sick to make it into the real world she took me back in without question. I am forever thankful for her and for the fact I know that she is always in my corner. I bet your son feels the same.
Thank you, @StripedShirtBoy. I do find that the more I talk about my hallucinations, the less power they have. I‘m hurt and disappointed that my husband isn’t more just even curious. But I have to realize that he just has no basis for understanding…
I am worried that his family will act supportive to my face and then talk about me harshly behind my back, and then look at me differently. And, like I said, I have to consider what the point would be. If there’s nothing good or constructive that will come from my opening up, then why would I. But keeping secrets and not being genuine feels wrong.
I’m going to start rambling. My mind’s a bit jumbled so I’m not going to write more, but I appreciate your comments and hope you are able to open up more too.
I’m so glad you have her! 
️ I hope my son knows how much I love him. I think he does.
I wouldn’t ever worry about rambling with me. That’s usually my thing. I get side tracked so easily or have so many points to make in one moment it’s hard to not ramble.
I couldn’t have said all of that better myself. I feel like I want to be true to me and be open but then why even bother. People talk. It’s just their way. I know because I hate gossiping and will be angry to be stuck in a gossiping conversation but then I still have opinions I make on people even strangers (did you see my post last night about the lobby guests lol) so if I can hate trash talk so much and still do it I know everyone else has it in them too. It’s just life. It’s up to you to decide whether being true to yourself is more or less important than having people talk about you.
You’re so right, @StripedShirtBoy! Thank you for the insight! Being true to who I am without worrying about what other people do with the information is great advice. ️
This topic was automatically closed 14 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.