I have social phobia, but it seems to be selective because of my previous experience abroad. I’ve been judged pretty heavily and bullied when I was a child and a teenager. I was abused by a teacher plus by my classmates in elementary school, and when I went abroad a group of kids from the Asian church bullied me and singed me out for 3 years. When my parents moved out of the country and left me with another family, the daughter of the family I stayed with bullied me and also singled me out. I caught her swearing about me behind my back to my host mom. Because of this I feel like I am not fit to be a Korean at all because of my mental illness and my disabilities, because I imagine a Korean to be a perfect, neurotypical person who excel at everything (and catch social cues, because I suck at that). I feel like I’m much inferior than an average Korean, and I feel like a second class citizen based on my abilities. I know this is my inferiority complex, but I honestly do not find myself very much likeable.
The main point of this is that my mom is thinking of sending me to a local young adult group where I can meet new young adults of my age. I suck at socializing and I feel like I will be bullied again. I’m worried that I will never catch social cues and will be thrown out of the group. I suck at socializing because I never understand others plus I have different culture, being a third culture kid. I find socializing incredibly stressful because I am worried I’ll never fit their standards, and I’m not even sure if I can be a helpful person in any way.
When my mom told me to go to the group every hair in my body stood up. I know she’s trying to help me to become more independent, but I feel terrified. I am so terrified of being rejected again. What if new symptoms come about? Will they accept my disability? I am terrified. I’m worried about never making any friends but I’m also worried about making friends. I know this is just my CPTSD talking but I’m literally panicking over this issue right now. I honestly do not want to go this Sunday but I’ll just pretend to get along, because I know my mom is trying to help me. I will trust her and let her guide me.
(Might delete later due to privacy reasons)