It’s the one thing I can’t manage to beat. I’ve suffered through untreated schizophrenia and come out the other side not much the worse for it, I endured a decade of unbearable emotional pain and recovered from this as well, I beat insomnia, drinking problem and wrestled with my hundreds of delusional memories but in the end it looks as though what is eating me alive is simply social anxiety…a common problem.
Not simple at all however, it has plagued me since my mid teens. I’ve struggled to overcome it only to have it come back and devour me again and again. I am crippled by social anxiety. I swear it will be the death of me someday. Somebody comes to the door…I panic deep within myself. The phone rings…I panic. A stranger initiates small talk? I panic, my mind draws a total blank, I panic.
I can’t even bring myself to go and get a haircut at the moment and it is getting rather long. The thought of walking through the door makes me…panic. I had a very nice woman who used to cut my hair for ten dollars who I was very comfortable with, she was a sweetheart and had bi-polar disorder. But since I relocated I haven’t had the chance to get it cut by her. Back when I had my last apartment I couldn’t even bring myself to pay the rent in person like most of the people did. I just slipped it through the mail slot in the middle of the night to make sure I didn’t have to be seen by anyone.
Schizophrenia, as terrible an experience as it was, pales in comparison to my social anxiety…I swear it is stronger than I. And therapy hasn’t helped at all as they just want to know “And what’s the thought behind that?” Panic! That’s the freaking thought “Please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me” That’s the thought.