Maybe I have no negative symptoms or social difficulties. Maybe it’s all about self-stigma. I have thoughts like: “I have schizophrenia, then I can’t handle a conversation”, “I have schizophrenia, then I can’t do a good job”, “I have schizophrenia, then I can’t have a girlfriend”, “I have schizophrenia, then I don’t deserve a college degree.” It’s all about my self-stigma. There isn’t a med which cure that.
I don’t know that that means no negative symptoms or social difficulties, but self-stigma is a huge obstacle. It makes normal things seem difficult, and difficult things seem impossible.
I have a huge problem with it. Every semester I spend the weeks leading up to classes and the first few weeks of classes thinking that I’m completely incapable of getting through. I have a 3.75 gpa - I’m quite capable - but I feel like giving up regardless.
I think the reason why I don’t self-stigmatize is because I’ve been around other people with SZ more. I don’t stigmatize them, so I don’t turn that inward. My uncle had SZ, so maybe that’s what makes it different for me. I see people on the street with SZ who are homeless and in hopeless situations and I feel sad for them.
Though I have been kicked out on my butt by the big college that I used to attend. They’d admit me, then find some excuse last minute to purge my courses. It makes me wonder if they could see my diagnosis through disability services. I don’t self stigmatize, because I want to be the only person who doesn’t. Let the world throw its worst at me. I’m going to still stand tall and hold my head high. I love myself, critics be damned!
Self-stigma hinders me to no end, but I cannot continue to put myself in a box. I am suffocating in this glass box.