Schizophrenia.com

Schizophrenia Monolog/ Anyone can post, just vent about Schizophrenia

Dear Schizophrenia

Why do you mock me, with general anxiety of conspiracy of alien time travelers who traveled back through time to probe me. Dear Schizophrenia please get a job and stop finding coincidence in just about everything I do. Like the one time I thought of people reading my thoughts, if they are they got a surprise of unamused memes stored away. If that did not stop them then my symptoms will with constant attacks of unfilled childhood dreams and the crushing realization of my coming of age. Too which I’m surrounded by annoying cats. Dear Schizophrenia get a frigged job you piece of french garbage. Please let me live my life without you because the constant agonizing paranoia of being a part of some secret government training program.

Has me thinking that I have a job to which pay’s the bills and gets laid every night. But to my unamused reminder I lay in my empty women-less bed, so cold. Dear Schizophrenia I am unamused with your childish antics of constantly putting me in socially ackward moments with new people I meet or old friends. Just because Schizophrenia is a personal illness that resides in my head doesn’t mean I asked my Schizophrenia to move in and eat my food, waste my gas, use my minutes, and do no homework, chores, and laundry.

Dear Schizophrenia move the fugg packer out of my life. So that I can spend my time more wisely instead of wasting my time on nosense that only infuriates me to blacked out fulled drama qeen rants. To oddly enough I crave watermelone afterwards. O watermalone How I crave thee right about now. But none the less my Schizophrenia will think of a million other things that are irelivant to my day. Like buts, heads, bevier, grumpy cat, whimp cream (mmmmm whip cream), fat people, acient aliens, moles, zits, buts again, boobs, beer, wine, liquor, pens, sheets, velvet rope, velcro, is that a lump or a spider bite, crumbs,… not those kinds… Dear Schizophrenia, how I wish you would not find everything speaking to my Schizophrenia. No Schizophrenia I do not need to buy penz oil, video games, the complete book of mormon or tickets or the Now 60,70 80’s collection. Stop wasting my friggen money on random stuff…

Dear Schizophrenia GTFO ASAP.

Sincerly,

Me, Myself and I.

(Yo anyone can type something up its all good just made a random monolog, Or at least I think. I hope if I was able to get someone to smile today. I would consider it a win. As all ways America stay sane :]

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Well this isn’t about schizophrenia or maybe it is, I don’t know. It’s going to be political so I don’t know, bite me.

I’ve been looking at science related things, little bit of political research, and recently some school system in Seattle. It’s all very depressing. Things that made American great and could have made it even greater but got scrapped because the politics wouldn’t allow it. Things that can still make it greater and nobody talks about. Things that make small parts of America excel far beyond many other places in America but nobody hears about.

And this is a political year when people need to hear these things. People need to be informed but the main thing people do when they hear facts is bicker and argue. We don’t listen. We just want to put our voice out there so that’s what I’m doing. It’s probably going to be ignored or forgotten. Nobody cares when you tell them there is a way to create huge clean renewable energy with the power of the hoover damn. Nobody listens when you tell them Seattle has 5th graders taking up design projects for putting out fires in space.

If you tell them they will be like wow. What happens when you tell them to help raise awareness about something this magnificent? I don’t know so please show me. Research these things, take it to your candidate of choice, tell a friend. I have no where else to go with this.

Polotics mang, most people say. Not my jerb. wheres the beer.

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Yeah well we aren’t supposed to talk about it on here anymore. Just had to get it off my back.

Then monologue it up man. Vent about it through Sz mang.

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Well, SZA I wish you didn’t make me want to be sicker. I wish you didn’t give me the desire to drink coffee in order to induce an episode. I really want to stick to the gym. I really want you to stay off my back about the toxic relationships that I desired. I really wish you didn’t give me these delusions that people are spying on me, taking my information, and mocking me over the internet. I wish you didn’t give me the paranoia each time you made me literally see something that is not there. I wish you didn’t blend meanings of phrases into one umbrella idea. I wish you didn’t make it hard to read and chop a sentence up into several different ones. I wish you just didn’t exist.

like bud…

Schizophrenia made my mind lie to me. Schizophrenia is a way of life for those on disability like me. It’s all I’ve known since 1998. You get used to it after a while. Schizophrenia stole my career in architecture. Interupted my life, made me ponder life without living it. Twice. well, I’m still here and so are you schizophrenia. You still haunt my mind with intrusive thoughts. I accept what’s happened to me, you did not defeat me. It is not who I am.

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Schizophrenia remains The Undefined, a mysterious illness.
I need to fight back! While sometimes I lost the battle, most of the time I won. It will be a lifelong struggle, I have to continuously keep an eye out for any delusional thinking or mood swing.

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Dear Illness: I will not be resentful towards you. I will not take your familiar negative bait and increase your capacity to ruin my good life. I may never understand why you descended on me, but through these many years I’ve learned that when I accept you without judgment, you diminish. Kindness and detachment cause you to go away. Humor, not taking you so very seriously, makes you go away. Of course, then you return again.

Yet, I’m the one who is coming out ahead. You’re giving me so much excellent practice at managing confusion and aversion. As a result, everyday I can feel myself turning into a much better person. I have to admit that before you came into my life I was the regular schmuck; always getting angry, arrogant, addicted to marijuana, unsatisfied with everything, always complaining. You’ve helped me change all of that. And honestly, I don’t know if I could have changed my life on my own. Not the way I was living.

Your warped outlook (not to offend you), your curious delusions, your ability to bend my reality, has given me the opportunity to really work towards a healthier life perspective. I can’t say I’m thankful for the specific difficulties you’ve put me through. But I am thankful for learning that no matter what you throw at me, I can come out ahead.

Still, even after all that, PLEASE LEAVE.

sincerely -
Raffa

You must define it for yourself in a way that gives you the highest sense of comfort and control and future…

Really though, people are afraid to admit what it really is… because it is truly freaky to have characters that aren’t you in your mind. I know that schizophrenia has it’s own intelligence to it… that it holds views that are opposed to mine… it’s a portion of my brain that is devoted to defending external ideals that I don’t support… how it got there I understand, but I don’t care to explain.

The logical network it stands upon is extended when it has the upper hand and it milks you for all your weak points. Then you adjust to those and get strong again and grow beyond it… you get confident and reckless and then it takes the upper hand again. It’s a painful cycle… but it is almost a natural way of encouraging growth… at all cost… do or die… the mentality of SZ at its worst.

On a neurological level it’s an illness of the cerebral cortex… it draws on your senses of the enviroment and runs between connections in the lingual and auditory centers of the brain… it messes with your cognition similarly… skipping auditory processing and instead targeting lingual cognitive centers…

The illness is a web of neural pathways… psychologically embedded by belief in the perception you hold of reality and its possibilities… it also draws from your past and what you used to believe… it is deep and extensive… but you will always be a full human being inside your illness. If you have the capacity for insight, if you can grow your perception to contain the illness in its entirety, if you can see beyond its influence and rise above it… you can begin to unravel it.

The side of it that is chemical more effects your mood/anxiety… restricting dopamine provides a less energized mind… less gung ho and eventually more patient. It also kills your motivation and sense of positivity. It also sets you up to shell out for high dollar drugs… it also sets you up to be paranoid without them.

Fear and anxiety aren’t necessarily chemical… they are controlled by the connection between higher reason and the underlying fight or flight mechanism of primitive survival. These can only be controlled and reduced psychologically. Sedation may allow relaxation… but if you aren’t willing to let go of everything and meditate to blankness because you fear you’ll lose track of things… you’ll never truly find relaxation. My voices do all they can to keep from finding that state… but I recover the most when I do. It’s better than sleep.

Stable mood and a stable life… learned optimism and keeping your thoughts focused on the real. It takes time to get to the point where you have any of them, but letting go of your sense of importance and modesty building the life you want to live… and understanding that it will empower you to do things you didn’t think you’d have the opportunity for… the great unknown of your future… it’s out there… you can live as well as most anyone else.

Still good to have a potent sleep aid on hand… you never know when the insomnia is going to set in. Allow that and it’ll set you up to be in the weakest state you can… no escape at all… not even unconsciousness… it’s the only time I start getting suicidal ideation.