Okay, I’ll start. Aps robbed me of my sexuality and my Alter thinks it’s the most important part of life and punishes me even though I was fated for schizophrenia. He wants me to die now. I say, what happens after death? And: why aren’t you afraid? He hasn’t answered yet. After considering reincarnation I decided it’s not worth it even to get some ass, I think I’d like this to be my one and only life. Okay, now…go!
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I once as a teenager stole a scarf off of a neighborhood Snowman. Not a proud moment.
I know…I know…THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!
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Hey welcome back patrick
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When I was taking microbiology in college, we were tasked with obtaining swabs from the environment to see if we could grow and identify different bacteria present in the sample…I was the only student who took a vaginal swab (I got an A).
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When I was a teenager I once asked a mormon how long he’d been a moron. I was the most embarrassed a teenager could have been. I still remember it to this day.
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I jogged around a field naked with the sprinklers on at night. Then my friends took my clothes and ran back home. So i casually walked back to the house lol.
Fueled by budweisers 
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When I was 28 years old I dated this girl once and it did not go well. A couple weeks later I was walking down the street on the sidewalk and I see the woman and this other woman I knew standing on the sidewalk about 15 feet away, talking with their backs partially towards me. So I hid behind a tree and peaked around for about ten minutes until they left.
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I knew it was you because i know your humor 
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Omgg thats heinous 
poor slowpoke lol
One time I stayed at a friend’s house.
I woke up before him and tried to fart while turning around, but shat my pants.
Didn’t have spare clothes with me, and he is several sizes smaller.
Removed as much as I could with toilet paper, hopped on a bus while keeping my head low, and texted him something like “shat my pants, going home to change. Brb”
Not my finest moment 
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I knew some Mormons; it’s a legitimate question.
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At 16 I was at the school library, and the boy I was crushing on was there.
I felt a sneeze coming, and my sneezes are very loud and unsexy.
So I pinched my nose and flexed my stomach to silence the sneeze…
And let out the world’s biggest fart.
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Years ago, i was psychotic and thought there was cameras in my basement flat, (i even tinfoiled the ceiling). Well i used to get “randy” - so went to the local public loo to “knock one out” with a copy of mayfair, a porno mag for a bit of privacy.
Low and behold whilst im at it - some bloke puts his hand under the cubicle and does the wanking sign. I didnt finish, and heard him laughing - so legged it.
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I love it when they come to my door. Those flowers in my garden have never had better fertilizer.
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Hilarious and embarrassing misheard song lyric from my wife when we were dating. She’s French and I think a bit got lost in the translation.
We were in my car and Bonnie Tyler’s song ‘It’s a Heartache’ came on the radio.
My wife turned to me and said, “Why is this woman singing about a Hard Egg??”
I can still to this day never hear that song without giggling!
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I was about 34. I had just attended an AA meeting and I was at the bus stop afterwards waiting to catch a bus home. It was night and I was by myself and I wanted some gum or a candy bar or something. I crossed the street and went up to this door in this building that I thought was a store but it wouldn’t open. I thought it was way too early to be closed so I started banging on the iron door and a guy in uniform came out. I told him I wanted some gum and he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “This is the fire department.”
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My first CD as a child was the Spice Girls. Burned a hole in it.
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Ha! My first record was Neil Sedaka.
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Mine was Hanson,
Equally as embarassing, if not more.
At least the Spice Girls were hot.
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Maybe? I think they started too damn young tbh. People expected them to sound like singing mice their whole lives.
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