Anyone else be so in denial about their illness and their troubles that they didn’t even realize they were struggling for years. And you made up stories in your head like “My life is so easy compared to my peers” when really you were confusing things?? And then your outlook appearance displays something different than what’s really going on…because you tried to play it cool as if nothing bad was happening to you…and it only made things worse…because people took advantage of you… Then you started to gain insight and became angry and everything in your world went even CRAZIER…because no one ever feels bad for someone struggling with anger among other things??? And then finally you find acceptance. Acceptance is the best step obviously because yesterday I was having a bad day…but it wasn’t 1/1000th of what I had to deal with 5-6 years ago…yet everyone felt bad for me since I have clarity and act rationally. They’re like “OH MY GOD HE’S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH” since I have clarity and act rationally just having a difficult time. I think it’s unfair because when I needed help most no one was there for me really. But this is the story of my psychology. I don’t know about “bargaining” I never had the “bargaining stage” but frankly I don’t know what that means. But the denial—anger—acceptance model fits me well. I’m not sure what was worse, being in denial or being angry. And Acceptance I’m glad I’m in but brings bad thoughts at times that people are nice to me now when they should have been nicer in the past when I was in the other stages.
My psychiatrist says I have schizophrenia. And I believed them at one point which is why I came here. Now I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me and I stay here for the friends I’ve made.
I can relate to that. I guess it’s a survival technique of some kind that keeps people from reaching out when it’s most needed.
Like I was so unbelievably messed up that no one, not even my mom, could see a way to help and maybe thought it would infect them or put them out too much. Too heavy a burden until we can carry some of the load ourselves?
“Believe it or not, Marshal, I believe in talk therapy, basic interpersonal skills. I have this radical idea that if you treat a patient with respect and listen to what he’s trying to tell you, you just might reach him. (87)”
― Dennis Lehane, Shutter Island
I believe in medication as well, not trying to take a shot at you @Hedgehog, it’s just in the context of the movie he was saying he was anti-thorazine/pro-talk therapy…but I like this quote
Although then again Leonardo DiCaprio’s character never recovered…I still like the quote though…
Then you started to gain insight and became angry and everything in your world went even CRAZIER
I never gained insight until I was forcibly hospitalised . If I were to become ill again, then insight would be the first thing to go. I have insight issues.
Shutter Island’s a pretty great movie.
I lack from insight too when I’m off meds. It wasn’t til I started meds I really got insight. But I started remembering all the bad things that happened to me and even over-exaggerated them. Remembering traumas from when I was 11 years old. Saying “Oh ■■■■, that happened to me”. It wasn’t like I got insight into wisdom or reality for that matter, but insight into events. You experience something different?
Yesterday on the phone with my therapist she said “Even though you’re paranoid and just came off your meds, you still have such great insight”. I had terrible insight before meds. The meds are great. My mind would completely GO before my insight went…Because I’ve built my insight up over these years on meds.
Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, I get very resentful from time to time too. I shouldn’t. There’s a bit in AA that deals with resentments etc.
I was a very emotionally sensitive child. It got worse over time. With each abuse. But the ■■■■ that happened to me wasn’t all that bad, but it was bad. Which is part of the explanation for my OP. I wasn’t raped or beat up by my parents, but the next echelon of abuse happened to me in like 10 different ways. So I never felt bad for myself. I thought I had it easy. And then when the worst trauma happened when I was 19, I blocked it out of my memory for years. That trauma was the worst thing I could ever imagine happening to me…But I remember saying “that didn’t happen, that didn’t happen”. I still think I didn’t believe it when I went through the “anger” stage…but I thought about the things that happened to me 11-14 a lot and the SZ that ensued 15-18. But 19-20…I blocked that ■■■■ out until recently. For the most part.