Thank you very much. I also have a guy who I’ve been talking to for a while as well, we’ve dated on and off as well but due to my issues he began getting worried. He’s still willing to take me in so thats also in the plan.
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When I was four I was sexually abuse by an eighteen year old boy. It turned out that my dad was also a pedophile. He could not keep his hands off little boys. He didn’t sexually abuse me, but he was always overwhelmingly, weirdly affectionate. He could not leave me alone. It felt really weird. My older brother told me he felt the same way about dad. I was always angry at my dad. When I got to about thirteen my dad finally left me alone, but he started hanging out with little boys and bringing them around the house. I don’t know if I could say I was sexually abused by my dad, but it sure felt weird. I say this not to get sympathy, but rather as an explanation for why I am the way I am.
Well, happy early birthday, Peavy!! I hope you have a good birthday and I hope you feelbetter soon ^o^
Thanks, I have school on my birthday though. >.<
eesh, that bites. mine is on a saturday this year xD
Lucky! Haha. Every 7 years mine falls on a weekend at least.
i notice mine is on a weekend every seven years and then the next year it is a sunday, then i have to wait several more years
It seems a lot of birthdays, if not all, are like that. I never did look into how it works.
Oops, lets try not to go too far off topic. My bad :X
XD either way, abuse and trauma did play a large part in my getting psychosis.
I don’t think the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse I endured from a friend who was way too old for me when I was ten years old helped things. So in school I was clearly not with it so I received more bullying. I don’t blame other folks exclusively but I do wonder if my coping skills would have been better though we’re it not.
I don’t mean to revive an old post but this was on my mind.
My dad was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive starting at the age of two as far back as I can remember. And he stayed abusive all of my life until he died when I was 45 years old. He was largely the reason for my illness. That and genetics. He himself had sza and I inherited it from him.
I didnt have any real abuse. Especially not from my parents. But I got a lot from bullies (kids, teachers, and other people’s parents). I grew up thinking that having learning disabilities was something that I needed to hide at all costs - something that I should be ashamed of because it said that I was dumb. I thought people hated me and would always hate me. I don’t know if it contributed to my current problems, but it for sure made me suicidal at 12 years old.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 14 years old, due to domestic abuse that went on for about 7 years (or pretty much all my childhood, but the peak of the abuse went on for 7 years). Later on, I developed psychosis at age 16. I am now 18.
Many researchers claim that psychosis is not caused by trauma, while other researchers claim the opposite. I do believe trauma can be a factor to people developing psychosis, as well as genetics. My mum’s cousin was schizophrenic, so I don’t know if it’s genetic for me, or if it is because of my trauma. 
At the moment I’m ptsd with phscotic features apparently.
My mum did lots of drugs while I was in her womb. She nearly died of kidney failure when she was 6 months pregnant with me. I had the cord wrapped around my neck and my mum had to have a cease ren.
Then my dad was violet and emotionally abused me for 22 and a half years. I turned into a little scared mouse. He yelled cursed punched holes in the walls controlled Me pushed himself in the head enough to give a concussion etc
I was also bullied at school for being a little overweight. This was because my dad mainly fed me junk food.
My mum would alternate between obssessional Christian and chronic drug user. She told me she could see Lucifer beside me and that he was following me around everywhere and I was going to marry him. She would abandon me with my dad knowing what he was like.
Then my sons father took his life when he was 18 and my son only 6 months old. His whole family blamed me because I broke up with him. I was so scared they were going to put a hit out on me.
Then the police took my hands and keep on violating my brain. Won’t get into to much detail on that but I think that’s one of the most traumatic things for me
Anyway that’s just some of the trauma that I’ve had. Pdoc says it’s complex ptsd.
I have a memory of having a ■■■■■ in my mouth when I was s baby and being in agony and helpless and dressing night time.
Also of being outside a zoo as a toddler and a woman holding me down while her husband raped me and then I was taken to hospital and was rolled on a bed and I wanted to tell my mum but could not speak.
I went mute and could barely breath and felt overwhelmed.
Then as a seven year old being penetrated (sex) by my father on paper and he said if you love me you will not scream.
Then when I was s teenager I could not move and I was afraid and was in same bed and that he wanked and touched me.
I am so sorry for my memory of this cause they say it is a delusion.
Why would I have it as a real memory of real events.
My mum on papers passion. Boyfriend broke up with her cause of me.
I think she wanted to drown me in bath tub and tried but changed her mind.
That she resented me and things changed.
Her husband strangled me and held a pillow to my face and said only reason he does not kill me is cause he does not want jail.
He said my brother is reason I’m still alive.
I was also bullied as a child and teen.
I was raped and my body was steered etc
All of this is s delusion and not real memory they say.
I still love them.
I will stop believing these memories.
I was raised by them and love 
️ them and appreciate good kind things they did.
I thought another man might be my real father and so close to me.
But years later I do not think this way so much anymore.
I do not want to be disloyal.
So I will say I was not abused or
I love them still.
I do not want to feel my enemies in my body.
Some of my own family are my enemies.
Sister feels ugly but looks beautiful and good.
I do not want to feel them in my body.
I will not speak of it.
I must be wrong.
My parents on paper are loved and I am sorry.
I change my memory as not true because…
It is wrong .
I am wrong.
They are innocent and good and have been good to me.
My mum even sewed for me and they fed me etc
Thank you and praise to them
Yes I think the trauma and abuse as a child plays a part.
It was a incorrect memory.
My father on paper said he is proud of me n my mum sent me lollies and they are good.
My memory is wrong.
I was bullied by other children but my parents are good we have difficulties
it is hard for me to tell, but i can not deny there has been truama in my life. i also have what others might call a developmental disorder that is sometimes progressive. i found ways to escape or deal with the truama and other consequences of having a birthdefect until recent years. the birth defect is not just a birth mark but is in brain tissue also. i think it could be a reason for the problems i have. i know it has affected the muscles that turn one of my eyes(a kind of ataxia muscle weakness). so since it us in the brain then… i think it is a good conclusion.
I suffered both abuse at the hands of my step-father and trauma at school growing up along with a rough divorce between my parents. However a number of those things also happened to my brothers who lived in a similar environment and although they are not perfect they are functional in society so I think a genetic abnormality was the cause. I think that abnormality made me an easier target for those who abuse others and shaped how the disease manifested itself. It was bad genetics combined with a harsh environment for me.