So I have never asked to see the documented record of the symptoms I’ve experienced. I’m writing this as a way to track my progress and hopefully put more order and focus back into my life. I might update this more later.
Gender: female
Age: 25
Race: White
Childhood Symptoms: Eccentric, passionate, over-imaginative, talked before the age of one, have been able to recall many memories vividly up until recently, after writing memoir. Was never violent, but sometimes teased younger brother. Became shy after second grade. Had dysfunctional learning habits, despite being fairly bright. Hated to sleep and always wanted to stay up late. I was extremely visual, often told fairy tales to younger children I had made up, was creative and very social, loved people. Often befriended social misfits because they were ostracized, sometimes reckless boys or girls with social issues. I tried to socialize them. I always have helped others who seemed in need, and have had problems putting others before myself.
My symptoms had started to manifest one year prior to seeking treatment. I had been bullied all through-out middle and high school and had no friends. I began isolating myself and writing stories and poetry. At the time I wasn’t as worried about perfecting my writing as I was perfecting the fantasies. I would go into trances where I would imagine I was someone else, in another life, and live out their world. When parents decided to send me to boarding school, it was the perfect way to live out the delusion because my fantasies involved a 25 year old in a catholic boarding school who was manic and had a lot of sex. I played out the story of her birth and death, as if she was an archetype of social defiance and deviance. The stories became so real to me, when she took the final painkiller I watched her drown in a pool of sorrow. I can still remember the visions I had in these episodes of mania and escapism.
Boarding school was the turning point, where I hit the brick wall, slammed into reality and could not break through to the other-side. I confronted the fact that I was not infallible, immortal, and unbreakable. I broke down after not showering for 2 weeks, wearing the same dirty clothes, stopped taking care of myself, etc. The boarding school was nothing like my delusional fantasy world- although in the end the girl I used to fantasize about, an anorexic woman with curly brown hair and freckles, is murdered by a heroin addict boyfriend. IDK where these crazy stories come from. I’ve had this thing where I don’t actually have to read or socialize, information about the world around me just comes right into my head. So I went home after boarding school.
My symptoms worsened in the hospital. In the EEG I was told that the electrical activity was so high that it spiked over the threshold and off the chart, but I had no brain damage or problems other than I was probably manic or having seizures and couldn’t ground myself. I was fifteen then, a year after my first symptoms at age 14.
Yeah I would love to write a novel or book. If I self-published or got an editor then maybe I wouldn’t be as worried about the mechanics. It takes a lot of energy to write but in the end it’s fun because you can look back and feel accomplished.