Lol sorry for the double post yet again. My thoughts always seem to come in pairs. Anyways I’m really interested to see how everyone’s sz, psychosis, whatever developed over the course of their life (because I’m a neurology nerd, ha) If you wouldn’t mind, could you make some sort of timeline of it? From childhood to now? Doesn’t have to be in depth, but it you want it to be go for it.
Here’s mine, if anyone’s interested.
Baby-Toddler: Very serious, threw huge fits and sobbed if people put me down, even made my mom sleep with me almost every night
3-7: Earliest memories start. Got horrible, horrible nightmares every night I still remember to this day. Caused me to get insomnia because I’d avoid sleeping. Remember being constantly afraid at night, things were coming to get me and kill me, everything was threatening, deformed faces in paintings, etc. Also experienced vivid visual and auditory hallucinations, largely at night. Experienced weird dark feelings of wanting to hurt and imprison things. Mom said I did weird stuff like put everything in cages. Age 5 delusions started, thought I was werewolf, went around telling everyone.
8-10: First realized I was kind of different from other people, started choosing who I shared my delusion with instead of telling everyone. Still always scared at night. Became lucid dreamer, which helped greatly with nightmares which gradually became less frequent and intense. Visual and auditory hallucinations gradually stopped. Still thought I was werewolf. Depression begins at age 10, though not very strong, just a general feeling of loneliness and emptiness. Dark feelings (wanting to hurt things, etc) largely disappear.
11-14: Werewolf delusion goes away to be replaced by a host of other ones. Depression goes full blown and was a very dark period in life. Nothing seemed to pull me out of it. First found God and gained sense of spirituality, leading to delusions becoming more spiritual in nature. Still paranoid at night.
15-17: Visual hallucinations return, but only the mildest of what I used to experience. Delusions become terrifying and very paranoid, consume life. Tactile hallucinations of demonic attack and sexual abuse begin and escalate over time. Started hearing inner voices and communicating with them on a regular basis. I had only heard telepathic voices irregularly before. Paranoia begins to occur in both night and day times, never felt safe. Became conscious of psychosis at age 15/16 with help of a friend and started analyzing it, working to control it and overcome it. First manic feelings begin age 15. First feelings of painful anxiety begin at 17, which lead to suicidal ideation. It scared me and I started therapy, for the anxiety not the psychosis. Demonic attack hallucinations greatly decrease to almost nothing.
18-19: Current day. Overcame suicidal urges but still want to die a lot of the time. Dealt with awful anxiety and night time paranoia all of senior year. Delusions decreased significantly to only two in two years, vs a whole slew of them over one year due to my coping mechanisms and reality checks. Started experiencing derealization/depersonalization senior year of high school, and had developed other symptoms of trauma due to previous hallucinated demonic abuse. Still get instances of hallucinated abuse from time to time, but is not a common occurrence, and I can stop it when it happens. Mastered lucid dreaming, but still have nightmares related to the abuse in which I’m pretty powerless. Anxiety is still pretty bad though I’ve become a lot better at managing it I’d like to think. Still talk with voices, though I haven’t had a delusion since like the beginning of this year, and I didn’t even believe it that long anyways. Paranoia attack frequency at night has gone WAY down as I understand it and have good coping mechanisms. No real depression to speak of, though I do get pretty gloomy in episodes. Finally went therapy for psychosis this year, after being encouraged by this forum to do so.
When I think of how far I’ve come from where I used to be it gives me hope for the future. How far have you come on your journey?