I wish this will be the case, it sounds good…
im like a shell of myself
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There are times when I look back on some of the ways I behaved and thought, “Could I have actually done that?” The biggest change in my personality came when I was fifteen years old. I was cocky and self assured, but then I got this intense agoraphobia. My personality pretty much shut down. I went from being confident and self assured to a really lost person. When I look back on my days before my personality shut down I do it with a longing for a time when life was so much easier.
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Like the others dude, my old self seem to tune in and out like as if it were connected to a rheostat and the frequencies are being adjusted. The old me was a very self destructive, but yet very happy hippie kind of guy. I loved my LSD and other psychedelics. I had a great personality, people liked me, women were all over me. Then psychosis…
The new me seems to be super serious all of the time. Dull personality, lack of empathy. Little to no sense of humor which I honestly blame on my meds. I’m super paranoid most of the time, I hallucinate both visually and auditory, and my delusions seem to be related to such. Mostly persucatory, mind control stuff. CIA this, aliens that. I have every negative symptom on the list, as well as cognitive deficiencies. I can’t say the cognitive end is destroyed, because I know I still have intelligence. It’s just gonna take a LOT of time and effort to bring out the old me once again. I will not lie by saying that I don’t miss the old me, that would be a blatent lie, and I don’t like liars. This is pretty much me in a nutshell. I’m still hippie minded, but my sense of humor seems to be long gone, my lust for life is gone. My motivation is gone with the wind, I lack empathy,and have this flat effect I can’t seem to shake.
I’ve been diagnosed schizophrenia since early 2000’s and it’s slowly getting better I feel, but there are times where I feel I’m getting progressively worse. Depression hits me hard more often than not these days, I don’t have friends, and I have very little family that stands by my side, other than my stepfather with who I currently reside with. My mother and father abandoned me, my brother is a drug addict and lives a ghetto lifestyle which I can’t condone with, and my sister is being brainwashed by my mother, who says bad things about me. She has a brain injury, as well as a rare condition called “moyamoya”. She is very easily manipulated, but I miss my sister just as much as I miss my old self. I miss the old her as well, but that cannot be fixed. My blood father who also has sz, has been absent from my life for almost 15 years. I don’t hear from him unless he wants money or something materialistic. He’s very abusive physically and mentally, refuses to take his meds, and who also drinks alcohol like a fish breathes H2O. I don’t want to sound like a downer, but this is truly my life. It’s sad, I know. I used to work a good paying job, and now I’ve been unemployed for almost 2 years come october. My last true episode was about a year and a half ago where I was hospitalized for 3 months, which was court ordered. I’m currently attempting to find work becuase I feel that it might make me feel a little better about myself, and help distract me from everything, including the schizophrenia. To put it short, I’m now like an empty shell of my old self and I’m trying to figure out how to pull out of this, but most days I come up empty handed like I’m stuck within a well, trying to climb out. But the rope is broken, and the ladder is too short. So here I am trying to climb up this broken ass brick wall to try and reach that ladder, but my arms aren’t quite long enough to reach that bottom rung to pull myself up. You don’t know how badly I miss having people to talk to. I do apologize ahead of time for the rant, I can honestly say this is the first time in however many years I’ve actually felt a little bit of emotion(mostly sadness) typing this out.
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I’ve had many different ideas through the years. I do believe it’s sort of an ego death. I lost something some part of myself. Now I don’t know if it was a good part or a bad part. But I have adapted to whatever I lost. Or am in the process of adapting. It’s like I was finally left on my own for the first time. Or finally realised I was alone. And had to shape my own self. It’s some sort of dissolving process. That of which I don’t know what is being dissolved though. Could be ego. Whatever that means though. But without going through what I did. I don’t know where I would have ended up. This illness has shaped me and I have gained a lot of awareness.
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Being a different personcould be a good thing.
Every time i see something bad or have a bad dream or vision i turn my emotions around. Im kind of like an archangel metatron…turning all negative into positive. Kind of switch from bad to good. But every time i turn my emotions i also become someone new.
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I used to be more brash and confident. But I was a teenager, so…
I think I’m a nicer person now.
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I was always weird. Well at least since 15 or so!
I didn’t get diagnosed till I was 29 with psychosis although I had a depressive break at 23. It all just ended up making some sense when I learned what was what!
I am me. I’m not anyone else! Things like paranoia I lived with for many a year and nowadays that is missing from my life. That is such a good thing!
Medications come at some cost! I’m totally willing to pay for that and appreciate all that gives to me!
Same. No. Better… yes! Way better than the mess I was before medication!
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I’ve been having sz symptoms for my entire adult life. I didn’t have a grasp on who I was before I was psychotic. I had my first psychotic break in high school, so this is it much all I know. It’s kind of defined me.
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Yes I feel different. My zeal and enthusiasm has changed. I worry more. I want people in my life more.
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I don’t feel like myself anymore… I don’t know who I am
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I was on Orap/pimozide for 25 years and got to be an established personality on that ap. Then alcoholism happened to me, and Orap got so it was ineffective. Okay; so now I’ve been on Vraylar five months and feel like a different person from Orap Man. Now I am Vraylar Man. These drugs make my identity an artificial thing, and I kinda hate it. Vraylar seems to impact my hypothalamus differently, giving me different ideas and impulses even in my sexuality, I think. Hard telling what traits are from sz itself and which from the drugs. Thus no, I’m likely not the same as before sz beginning in 1991.
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Kendrick Lamar said “I let my soul speak, you let the meds talk”. Feels bad man 
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thank u for ur reply this is very insightful
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I used to be happy, bubbly, motivated now Im the opposite and don’t know who I am. Schizophrenia sucks and can go ■■■ itself
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I’m not the same person I was when I was 20. I’m not the same person I was when I drank. I’m not the same person I was when I was single or before I became a parent.
People grown, people change. It’s all good.
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Gurrjen says that man and woman and child change like 1000 times throughout each day. That was his main philosophy.
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You’re welcome. Take care.
I feel kind of bad ass for having the illness & achieving what i have.
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I understand fully that metaphor, it’s about surviving. Like i do understand what @ablue is speaking about ego death.
I survived that. And i have risen to a new life (like a phoenix not like Jesus Christ 
).
I got second chance.
To all of you who are still struggling, I wish you easier path than my was. Because hole is truly bottomless, you can keep falling for life.
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