Hello SZ.com! I lurk on here all the time but now I want to post about my delusion. I was on here several years ago and then quit posting.
I think I am in a brain study and that I have cameras in my eyes and microphones in my ears and I am being monitored 24/7. I think I am connected to the universe and have special ‘powers’ that I can’t currently access. I had an extremely validating episode 6 years ago (when I first went crazy) that stays with me to this day. An example: I went into Starbucks, told them I forgot my wallet and asked for a Grande Frappucino and they gave it to me! I had never been in that Starbucks before. Same day, I went into a convenience store and said the same thing to get a free Coke! Actually the Coke happened before Starbucks. My point is; I was proving to myself that I was being watched and in a brain study. Many more things happened that day.
I take 1mg Risperdal every day/mid day and it keeps my delusion on the back burner. I have been hospitalized at least 10 times from becoming psychotic and ‘acting out’ my delusions. For example: I thought I was on another planet that looked remarkably like earth and I was using my gift to find evil. My delusion is like a Truman Show delusion and while it’s fixed, it is extremely detailed. I am curious if anybody else on here has or has had in the past a Truman Show type delusion or thought their brain was being studied or controlled. I have thought both.
Lastly, I am currently detoxing from Xanax and have crippling insomnia. I have already gotten tons of advice for how to handle that from others. But, it makes me feel like it’s part of the brain study.
That’s all I have for now. Love to hear your thoughts. Have you had validating experiences like the free coffee and Coke? (There’s much more I could go into) or felt you were being studied or controlled?
I saw validation in everything when I was looking for it, even when it wasn’t there. Once the meds gave me back my insight I realized the illness was tricking me into making connections that didn’t exist, had never existed.
Welcome to the forums, it’s a great place to be if you’re ready to move past the illness.
I have thought many times that I was in an experiment and have had many episodes with validating experiences, although not sure I’ve ever gotten free stuff! At one point I believed we were all in an experiment and that I in particular was being watched for what I googled, my phone activity and what I bought/consumed because I was “the smartest person in the world”. Lol anyway Abilify seems to keep these thoughts at bay, thank goodness.
Yeah, I know. I have been out of the hospital for about 6 months and I am functional so I continue on my 1mg/day. I have such horrible side effects from it! If I can get away with 1mg, I will. So far, so good. I have made strides though because I always go OFF my meds because “I’m not crazy” and I hate the side effects. At least this time, I agree with being on something and I take my 1mg faithfully every day. Let’s hope it’s enough. Like I said, so far it’s working.
Welcome! Its better to be on the minimum dose that controls your symptoms and not overmedicated but if your current symptoms bother you or are affecting your life, tell your Dr and he may up your dose. For me I need and I am on 6mg Risperdal, no positive symptoms at all.
When full-blown psychosis began, I believed that the government had hacked my mind via satellite, and everyone in the world… Including the people on TV, the people I sat beside at a diner, my own family and friends… We’re all watching The Truman Show effect to drive me to hurt myself or overwhelm me
I had a pdoc put me on 4mg 5 years ago and I had unbelievable akithisia! I couldn’t tolerate it. I remember him telling me “If you could tolerate it, I could make that delusion go away” BUT when I have been hospitalized and so drugged up I couldn’t talk, I was STILL delusional. I still believed in the brain study. I just wasn’t in a psychotic episode any more.
That’s what I thought. That the whole world was watching me. My first episode, I actually went dancing down the street waving at everyone. In between dancing, I was getting free drinks! I had a lot of validating events happen that make it hard. I still don’t rule out the brain study but I am able to not think about it too.