Around this time 2016, I was in the beginning states of psychosis. There was no point to life, it seemed. After years of loneliness, I experienced spiritual delusions centered around myself, had extremely low tolerance for any, and I mean any, sound, and was beginning to hallucinate. I had isolated myself in my parents basement and had a dream that seemed utterly impossible, of living some day in a beautiful nature desert area in an RV in the peace of nature. I knew I needed that to heal my soul. I had no idea how to get there. I just knew it was my dream. I was way out there, dreaming of things that could never come true- I even prayed for my soulmate! I was in no shape for any of these things to enter my life, I couldn’t even take care of myself!
Yet, it all came true. All of it. And now my dreams for the future have expanded beyond where I could have imagined them to, because of my faith that things will get better, and my faith that dreams do indeed come true. I met my soul mate and we live in this beautiful place of my dreams, and every day life seems more beautiful than I could have imagined it the previous day. I was so depressed back then, so lonely and afraid of the world. I had no idea that life gets better. I just wanted it all to end. I cut my wrist and have the scar to prove it. I had no idea that my life was going to get so much better just around the bend. So I learned how to be grateful for everything, even the bad things, because you can never be certain where those experiences will lead us, even if they seem to have nothing positive in them.
Sure, it has taken years to become as stable as I am. I didn’t find the right medication right away. So what? What a learning process! I’ve only just recently found high dose b-vitamins, which are having a hugely positive effect on me. That’s a brand new improvement! The future is bright! Life is a constant improvement and evolution! Medications in the future will have a much more healing effect on the mind, working on the cognitive symptoms as well, but until they do that, I just recently learned that aerobic exercise stimulates growth hormones in the brain, and so I have that to rely on along with b vitamins to help my mind. I went from having hallucinations (of every type), extreme delusions, low motivation, negative and positives, even on medication, to now having minimal of both. I can’t overstate how little I was functioning before, and now I am seeking responsibility and desiring to add meaning to other people’s lives. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
Even just earlier this year I was severely depressed, then I changed medications, I took action and responsibility for myself because I knew I needed help, and it helped so much. Even a year ago, I wasn’t making art like I wanted, because I couldn’t focus due to delusions. Now I am trying to make pieces for a gallery! I even won a place in a photography contest for taking a picture of me with face paint to show what it’s like to have visual hallucinations! So if you dream big, the universe responds big! I am fortunate, but not because of wealth. Because my grateful attitude paints my world with love! I see improvement in my attitude from even a month ago, and have even bigger dreams for the future! When I met my soul mate, I asked him what his dream for life was if he could do anything, and now he is making it happen, even though it is years later! I can’t even imagine how wonderful the future is, because there is hope. Some times things get worse, but when we learn from that, we grow and then things improve even more!
I have been to very low points in my life but more than that, I have had beautiful moments that keep me in hope. I am going to keep hoping, keep living, and keep being grateful, and this is something I hope everyone can learn to do. By the way, I wrote this whole thing while having breakthrough visual hallucinations, and if I can do that, why can’t we all do something beautiful and worthwhile?