I feel like the world is collapsing on me. My mum found out she has clogged arteries and they’re going to go in and see what they need to do, meaning stents or bypasses. My mom is so dear to me and I’m freaking scared. I’m trying to hold it in and not show her because I can’t stress her out, but my dad is doing a lot better than I am with it. I was an EMT, and I know they caught it early enough, and I know the meds are going to keep her squared until they can get in and do the procedures, but I’m just scared. I’ve had nightmares the last few nights since finding out, and being a doomsday daydreamer in general, this is really messing with me. It’s making me think about the future, and that one day my parents will be gone.
This sounds so freaking selfish, and I hate myself for even thinking about this, but I’m terrified about what will happen to me. Will I have built a life for myself by then? How will I function without having my parents to get advice from?
In therapy I learned to not be so afraid of the future, and trust that I know what to do if something catastrophic were to happen, but I don’t know that I actually do.
I’m sorry for venting, and I know that this probably isn’t the medical emergency reality as it is in my head. It’s just I know how quick the heart can go. Hell, I’ve done CPR and treated multiple heart attacks. I know how bad it can get without notice. I’m just thankful we have notice, and I’m trying to remind myself that most heart issues are severe because we usually don’t know until it’s bad. We caught it early. That should be enough. I’m just freaking terrified.
I understand the terrified feeling. Modern medicine is amazing fortunately, and it was caught early. But it doesn’t make it any less terrifying. You are there for her, and that’s what matters.
I think your mom will be ok. But in the meantime, this is a good time to start thinking about your future. My plan if my husband dies is to go to a group home because it’s so hard for me to function. You just need a plan. Until everything is smoothed over with your mom, don’t get advice from your parents. Just think on it for a while. Then, when everything has settled down, you should get their advice and discuss it with them.