My latest Love-Rap / environmental protest tune - are the lyrics good enough?

Creativity
1

Okay

this might look like a bit of a sad attempt but it’s a love rap and i only like the second half?
Also wrote a short poem too which i can edit in if i work on it

i guess a re write is not beyond question, but this all came out in one go when i was listening to a lot of rap last year.

my first one I ever recorded i am happy with
although it is a bit cringe worthy a year later

this is it anyway
my second love - rap

honest feedback
don’t hold back lol

How would I know what you’re doing if i didn’t trust you?
If you were at a party and sleeping with your ex?
Not working late, with you no fighting games
no more ■■■■■■■ waiting, cos you don’t hate me.

I’m gonna scrape more than my knees
just wait for me
don’t come out and throw me to the wind
before i met you, all the world spanned
But still like a butterfly,
stuck there, pinned

Before you I thought i didn’t have a creed
thought i was out there not needed
not worth feeding
aiming for the street
idolising freedom
trying to get out the cage and just be them
not really a thing of hating the world
just making it tough to make myself heard

Though i felt elated
thought i was hated
Circumstances made me what i thought i deserved
just show up, reject the world

how would I know if you were bad for me?
no one but my family sad for me
knocking in doors just for company
thrown straight back out, just history

but that was someone else who’s just not like you
and because of that i’m not surrounded in blue
the love i feel i feel for you
and i’m not gonna make that bad too

for we are suspended
worlds so up ended
Floating so near, our egos not dented
our love is not contended it’s totally cemented
with no ending it’s endless
both of us are now mended

But all the world is heading for hell
Who could have known that this wide heaven
could be so like a cell
almost midnight on the dandelion clock
So much destruction and we didn’t even balk

So it’s “where did I put my excuses list?”
Where did i draw a line and then just miss
what choices i made to do this not that or that not this?
i must’ve run out the door without that list

but you and i are real and there are billions of us
is it wrong to even Dance like this?
We know how nature will turn on us?
will or will not a way out be found
Hold me near while the world spins around.

okay - if you are still with me - that one works with a hook i’m trying to rediscover an edit of

I’ll put the poem below - could make up for any rubbish verses

did write this a while ago and it’s probably been up on here before even
it’s been in a draw for ages!!

2

I’m not expert on rap music, and i’ll be honest, it isn’t a genre of music that a like very much. However, your raps seems quite good. Flows well and is full of meaning. I like songs that have an underlying message.

1 Like
3

so
This is not the poem
stand alone the poem on it’s own has no rap - rythm
so this is a possible merging work in progress ?

so lose a rubbish verse of similar timed rubbish?

We never needed a Jesus like we need one now
spend our lives searching for Judas’ silver with or without a vow
souls burning We hit out at the wall, do we really care how?
smiles in the deepest sleep - gifts you’d give to no one
Chains drag you down time will stop before you will

4

Ja _ thanks for your feedback!

I go on and off rap - only like the odd one or two really

have a look at the reply post with a suggested extra verse if you can?

wrote the core poem at a goth concert last week, but i just tried to add rhythm

5

I like the extra verse. Do you know where in your rap you would insert it?

6

god -
no matter if i’m unhappy with it what is there tells a story
working it out now

1 Like
7

maybe leave out this whole chunk and paste the new stuff in another few lines at the end…

think those bits are a bit banal

would need to look at the whole thing with the sample

8

sorry
needs work

9

https://soundcloud.com/search?q=brandon%20b%20dot%20imagine

that is the hook i want to use
found it a long time ago
not really found the hook stand alone
this guy is rapping over the tune like i would plan to if i can find it / pay for it / get permission etc

it’s a whole song by Faith Marie called Antidote
it’s pretty beautiful

10

How would I know what you’re doing if i didn’t trust you?

If you were at a party and sleeping with your ex?

Not working late, with you no fighting games

no more ■■■■■■■ waiting, cos you don’t hate me.

I’m gonna scrape more than my knees

just wait for me

don’t come out and throw me to the wind

before i met you, all the world spinned

But still like a butterfly,

stuck there, pinned

Before you I thought i didn’t have a creed

thought i was out there not needed

not worth feeding

aiming for the street

idolising freedom

trying to get out the cage and just be them

not really a thing of hating the world

just making it tough to make myself heard

Though i felt elated

thought i was hated

Circumstances made me what i thought i deserved

just show up, reject the world

for we are suspended

worlds so up ended

Floating so near, our egos not dented

our love is not contended it’s totally cemented

with no ending it’s endless

both of us are now mended

But we never needed a Jesus like we need one now

spend our lives searching for Judas’ silver with / without a vow

souls burning We hit out at the wall, do we really care how?

smiles in the deepest sleep - gifts you’d give to no one

Chains drag you down time will stop before we will

And all the world is heading for hell

Who could have known that this wide heaven

could be so like a cell

almost midnight on the dandelion clock

So much destruction and we didn’t even balk

So it’s “where did I put my excuses list?”

Where did i draw a line and then just miss

what choices i made to do this not that or that not this?

i must’ve run out the door without that list

but you and i are real and there are billions of us

is it wrong to even Dance like this?

Do we know how nature will turn on us?

So much doubt that a way out can be found

Hold me near while the world spins around.

11

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