it’s great, just a little bit louder with your lyrics, they weren’t understood all that well.
U really gotta RIDE THE BEAT. Like you must be one with the music. Rather than just speaking it with the beat in the background. You must feel the energy of the music (the instrumental) and match that with a fitting tune of yourself in your poem…
It’s cool but I think your delivery can improve a bit
Yeah i understand that having listened to someone’s track just now
it’s probably necessary to have more of a persona but that is not my talent at all!!
with this version of my new one ( a year later ) i have been working on fitting the lyrics to a 1234 pattern
i think it’s working
have a look at these lyrics if you want
HOOK
How would I know what you were doing,
if i didn’t trust you?
If you were at a party,
sleeping with your ex missus?
Not working late,
with you no fighting games
no more frikin waiting,
cos you don’t frikin hate me. 1234
Before you I thought
i didn’t have a creed
thought i was out there not needed
not worth feeding
aiming for the street
idolising freedom
trying to get out the cage
and just be them 1234
This is not just a thing of
being free in the world
just making it tough
to make myself heard
Circumstances made me
what i thought i deserved
just show up,
reject the world 1234
for we are suspended
our worlds up ended
Floating so near,
our egos not dented
our love is not contended
it’s totally cemented
with no ending it’s endless
both of us are now mended 1234
HOOK
But all the world is heading for hell
Who could have known that this wide heaven
could be so like a cell
almost midnight on the dandelion clock
So much destruction and we didn’t even balk 1234
So it’s “where did I put my excuses list?”
Where did i draw a line and then just miss
what choices i made to do this not that or that not this?
i must’ve run out the door without that list 1234
We never needed a Jesus
like we need one now
spend our lives searching for Judas’ silver
with / without a vow
smiles in the deepest sleep
Gifts you’d give to no one
Chains drag you down
Time will stop before we will 1234
is it wrong for us to even Dance like this?
We know how nature is turning on us
Is there even now a way out be found
Hold me near while the world spins around. 1234
It’s good and the off rhymes are good!! Nothing is better than off rhymes. Like cat and hat is an on rhyme.
Orange and door hinge is an off rhyme.
I prefer off rhymes myself.
cool of you to say!!!
i do sometimes worry the rhymes have been too obvious,
thanks x
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