I feel guilty for being violent once.
I acted on my delusions, and felt scared.
I hallucinated currupted military police following everywhere, attacked my former teachers, because I wanted to get away, not understanding that they were trying to help me.
Now that I feel better, I feel like I want to he somewhat responsible for my actions. One thing I am responsible for is taking medications on time, in hopes that this will not happen again.
I got violent once and it was more like a shock to me and that I really didn’t know what I was doing. The person was not real to me.
I feel blessed in that I was never truly violent when psychotic. But I do have certain very specific triggers that can turn me murderous on the spot. There were a few times when I had a conversation and the person in question unwittingly triggered me. On the surface I remained calm, but in reality I already decided on the weapon I was going to use, if that person says anymore that triggers me. Luckily for the both of us, they didn’t push the matter any further.
I don’t think it will happen again, because I am mostly out of delusions, so I am no longer as triggered as I used to be by those topics.
It is important to cultivate grounding perception and insight. I believe it is right to focus on fixing what was broken and admitting guilt. At least to me personally, that is what actually keeps me grounded.
I can see how you’d want to take some responsibility for it now. Good for you.
Thank you!
Although you can’t be responsible for a moment, and when you start to feel better, it’s a good idea to still be responsible and remorseful for you actions, and do therapy, take medications on time, so that situation will not happen again.
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