My grandmother won't let me be

I posted something along these lines a few days ago and deleted the post but I want to keep it this time. My grandmother is 98 years old, almost.

Even today she wanted something from the cupboard right next to her. My nan said to her to get it as its right next to her. So she waited for me to come and said she can’t find something and she thinks its in the cupboard can I get it for her. I said the same thing. I said I can see it and it is right next to you can you get it yourself. She says I shouldn’t do this… She says in her words “I should have some sympanthy for” her. I have no sympathy for her… I hate to say this but I cannot stand the woman. She goes to the toilet and when you tell her to wash her hands, she starts crying and says “don’t you see i am old and tired” which I don’t know whats got to do with anything about washing hands. I am tired and fed up.

I have talked to my mum about her going to a home but my mum wont have that and my gran doesn’t want to. I think I will need to leave myself. Hopefully sooner than later.

id be a bit more tolerant with your grandmother, she is 98…if i ever reached that age id like to be treated as best i could from everyone…98 is very frail


man I hope to live that long…or longer

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It is very easy to say and hard to do. Every time you walk past here she wants you to do something. And she refuses to stop asking you until you do it for her. She doesn’t want any help from outside.

She does not want to live. I know she is depressed and it is very hard to see.

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I can understand your frustration but you’ve gotta help


I think, if my mum and she listens, we need to get help in from outside. There is no way I can look after her.

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i say it would be easy to get home help from the NHS or other orgainisation…my nextdoor neighbour has someione call to her each day to do cleaning and chat with her…she likes it alot

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Your mum can’t put the responsiblity of taking care of your grandmother on you. You’re young, you have a life to live.

And it sounds like your grandmother is getting lazy if she keeps wanting you to do things for her.
When I worked in elder care, we were told to let the residents do as much as possible themselves, even if it was just pouring coffee for themselves or dusting off the windowsill of their rooms. It was to give them a sense of independence and maintain their muscles.

Perhaps she’s given up and just wants to be taken care of.

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@anon54386108 might have some advice for you on handling this living situation.


I know the frustration.

Unfortunately, there’s not much advice to give.

You need to put her in a home,

Just like I need to put my mother in law in a home.

It sounds much easier than it is.

Sorry you’re in this situation at all,

It sucks.

It really, really sucks.

I feel for you, girlfriend.

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It is tough , my mum is the sole carer, she is finding this incredibly hard… I should complain less as my mum does most the work. I can’t do what my mum does and I admit to that. But somehow my grandmother feels I am responsibile and should do more… everytime we have a guest she will tell them I don’t do enough… It makes me want to do even less… #Putting her in a home is an option but not sure if it is morally right in our case… she handed the house to my dad a couple of years ago. So my mum feels its not right to kick her out of her own house…

You should be more tolerant of her @anon80629714
She is very old and frail.

Please show some empathy or at least sympathy.

Also I get really angry at her because when we tell her to wash her hands, what she now does is put her hands in the toilet to wash them so she can prove she washed them… this is disgusting and telling her only makes her cry because we are abusing her

I think the best thing is maybe for you to move out asap I understand how it is living with depressed or another depressed person. from a distance it is easier to show your love by being able to have better boundaries . theres only so much pain and negativity you can watch

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It has gotten to the point where I have no empathy or sympthy and cruel as it sounds but if she keeps telling everyone how useless I am, that I do nothing, it really makes me feel she hates me

I’m sorry @anon80629714, I know it’s hard

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