I have written before about my experience with mental illness, but this post is much more detailed. I have completely re-written it. I hope you take away something - anything - positive from it. Then it will not have been written in vain.
Still not out of the woods.
I was born in the mid-1970s in Ireland. There were 8 people in my family. I was a happy, but very shy kid. And ultra-sensitive. I loved to climb (and hide in) trees. I loved to read. I loved animals and have had many pets throughout my lifetime.
When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with clinical depression. My psychiatrist started me on anti-depressants. After a few weeks, with no sign of recovery, I purposely overdosed on them. I was rushed to a hospital in a coma. I recovered after a while and my psychiatrist recommended that I be placed in a psychiatric hospital. Fortunately for me, my parents declined. Although, looking back, that’s because my parents and family thought that my overdose was an “accident”… I felt so guilty because I knew that I just wanted to die…but I agreed with them that it was indeed, an “accident”. I had gotten used to lying about the way I was feeling, in case I caused anyone to worry about me.
The depression never lifted. At 16 I was finally placed in a psychiatric hospital. The world was an unbearable place for me. Everything hurt. The pain of being alive was too much for me. I took another overdose, but this time nothing happened, except a slight stomach ache. I was distraught.
In all, I was placed in a psychiatric hospital on six separate occasions and I attempted suicide many times. I tried to hang myself three times, I slit my wrist and I can’t remember how many times I overdosed on medication. I was desperate to leave my current life in any way possible…but it was not to be.
In my early 20s I started to experience auditory and tactile hallucinations. It felt like I was being haunted and oppressed by an evil spirit. My bed shook, nails scratched and stabbed my legs and wretched voices screamed obscenities at me. And EVERYONE had an agenda against me. People were plotting against me. I was living in a nightmare, from which I couldn’t wake up.
I was diagnosed with psychosis initially. Then, after some months, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I wasn’t sure what was or wasn’t real. That line was totally blurred. I was absolutely terrified all the time.
I have been through many brands of anti-psychotics. At least 7. Finally, the current cocktail of medications I am taking has removed the worst elements of my psychosis. But, I still experience psychosis, to a lesser degree, every single day.
My mental health team, family and friends have all been massively supportive and I am eternally grateful for that. I have learned that I am here for a reason, even if I still don’t know what it is. I’m already in my mid-40s and I never thought I would live past 16. So, there is a lot to be thankful for. I just try to remain still…and live in the moment. The past is unchangeable. The future is unknowable. So, I always say to myself “Be still and calm…and remain in the moment.” Always. In the moment.