They have me down as chronic paranoid schizophrenic and tell me that I am doing better than most of us can ever hope for. I have had a mild relapse of symptoms lately, hallucinations, delusions, intrusive thoughts and also nightmares and trouble with sleep. I just roll with it. Like really well. I sometimes cant stand it but I keep my mouth shut in class and only speak when appropriate in class discussions, and I have done really well so far this semester, as well as I could hope for. My friends know I am schizophrenic and that is why they are my friends, because they know me, they are still around and keeping me occupied. I quit smoking two months ago and cut way back on the nicarette a couple weeks ago, maybe that is what is driving me crazy. I would say I am around 90% symptom free now but was 99% symptom free before the semester started. I was bored though.
They say I am going to be schizophrenic and have some level of symptoms forever, that any more medication will be seriously doping me up, and that to actually eliminate my symptoms would take anesthetic doses (anesthetic doses for me, the shit I am on would work as anesthesia for a normal person).
So now I feel like I deserve a beer every night.
I’m getting a little used to this whole “I’m fked up” thing. A groggy morning or a restless night is getting to be normal. An anxious as hell day is becoming the standard. Reminds me of how I was last fall. I think this is a seasonal thing.
And I have intrusive fantasies of being a Viking.
Just a ponder. I’m functionally recovered but have some significant symptoms. My behavior looks far from psychotic, aside from my taste in music and clothing (uh…male version of Lisbeth for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is what one of my docs said)
Ive had like three hours of sleep, this might all come off as nonsense.
But yeah the psychologist says I am “fked up but not psychotic” while the psychiatrist says I can go up on one of my meds if ■■■■ hits the fan. Psychotic is when the symptoms are in control of behavior. It is a state of being broken away from reality, according to my psychologist. My friend who has the same diagnosis as me says that “a psychotic person would murder without thinking twice and not feel guilty”
But yeah, schizophrenia is one hell of a drug. Viking berserkers ate mushrooms to go berserk. I take pills to keep from going berserk because I am naturally berserk. Who is more badass? 