IDK, I feel pretty good mentally most of the time presently. Still some paranoia and delusions though. But sometimes I think back on events in my past and sometimes I remember my mental state at the time of those events.
Sometimes it’s discouraging that relatively recently I was in bad shape. I mean just as recently as 10 years ago I had bad akathesia and couldn’t relax.
I was thinking about 1985, I had been out of the hospital 4 years and I have many good memories of that time and things I had done. I mean I had a job, I was going to school, I had a car, I was living semi-independently, I had friends, I was doing stuff with my family and doing fun stuff with my friend. But I remember going to a baseball game at Candlestick Park with my friend to watch the S.F. Giants play.
And I think back to after the game and we were walking back to our car. Man, I was sick! I might have even been psychotic. Thinking back now, my mental state was terrible, I had terrible symptoms. I was in pain mentally. It was still almost as bad when I had been hospitalized last, four years earlier. Yet, I remember that as a somewhat carefree time. It’s weird.
And now I’m sitting at my sisters house at 3:30 am writing this and I remember back in 1986 I was in a different house and I was working and had a car and a couple friends but paradoxically, at one point I had extreme agoraphobia. I remember I was flat broke and I had rented a VCR and I needed to return it a few miles away but my agoraphobia stopped me from making the drive. I was racking up charges of $3;00 a day, which I didn’t have and couldn’t afford. I remember my car needed a brake job and I needed my car for work but my agoraphobia was so bad I couldn’t drive my car to the shop. Yet, I have many good memories of that house. And I can think of other instances like these.
When I was living in a tiny studio by myself in 1988. Again, I was working and had friends. But I remember being by myself in the studio and my friends were busy and weren’t around and I was bored out of my mind and my symptoms were acting up and I wanted to take a nap so bad but I couldn’t relax. I remember I was on prolixen and I remember thinking, “Well, it’s a tranquilizer isn’t it? So I’ll just take a few extra pills to help me sleep.” Oh man, big mistake! It was agony. I did that a few times until I learned.