A slice of my life from the past

I hope I don’t sound like I have it easy. Or that any part my recovery for the last thirty years has been easy. I live in an apartment complex with a laundry room. I just put my laundry in and I was going to walk 5 minutes to the drugstore for a gallon of milk. I was leaning against a stone wall trying to psyche myself up to go and I started thinking of the past. I am a LITTLE comfortable in my recovery now. But I remember back in the 80’s when I was in my 20’s. living in semi-independent living in my town. I shared a house with 2 or 3 other “clients”. I remember times when I was afraid to go out of the house. Times when I stayed home for days and just left the home for my job. I had bad agoraphobia for spells of months. And I was poor too. And later on, I was addicted to crack. I spent years being stressed, psychotic, and fighting off madness. But I actually functioned. I remember when my dad had his first heart attack in 1986. I visited him often in the hospital when he was recovering. But I was going crazy. But no one could tell. Mortimer says he functioned in college while psychotic for a year or two.This was the same thing. On the outside i looked good. But, I had delusions, paranoia,stress, psychosis. I was going through hell in those days. But nowhere NEAR how crazy I was the first two years after I got diagnosed at age 19. But yeah, in those days I had no relief from symptoms. I can look back on those days and see what I made it through. And I have gotten better, and things are a little easier. But boy, I sure paid my dues, big time, though it offers little relief now.


being comfortable and accepting of your past is a hard thing to do.
take care