I’ve been having porn addiction my whole life. But the funny thing is that I don’t really want to watch it. It hurts me really bad, but I do it anyway. I think it’s some kind of unconscious self-harm.
I know that I feel like crap every time I see it, yet I never seem to be able to snap out of it in the long run. I think I almost watched none when I had a gf, but after that I have never been able to stay away for more than a little over 3 months at best.
It’s like I have a second personality that takes over and makes me watch it while the real me is kind of begging me to stop. Yesterday I thought briefly about killing myself because I lose all self-respect and nobody would want to be with me when I have so little self control. I feel a little bit better today, but was supposed to work…had to call in sick.
I got some apps to try and block out that side of the internet, but it’s really hard to find good solutions. If it wasn’t for the practical necessities of the internet like getting bills paid, applying for work and stuff like that I would choose not to have it. It’s like society is telling me that if I don’t have the willpower to stay away from it, even though they put it in my own home, I don’t deserve to live, not mentally or spiritual anyways. Find your willpower or die seems to be the underlying message.
I’m almost thinking it’s a choice between life or the internet at this point. But it would be a real hazzle to get necessary things done without internet at home. There is a mental club in town that have computers, but right now they don’t accept new members because of corona. I guess it could be a option later though.
Reading fiction, and I have a good sense of imagination. But visual porn…no…there’s nothing that appeals to me. I think I do it deliberately to hurt myself on a unconscious level. Every time I start seriously thinking about getting in a relationship I think about my situation…which is hard having a mental illness, and how hard it would be to find someone who would accept all that. I think that is a trigger…like I give up and destroy my libido.
Then read erotic/porn books and don’t do visual porn. Problem solved.
It is like an over eater or a bulimic with a food fixation. They cannot give up their drug because you have to eat food; like the sex drive it is a thing that has to be satisfied as a necessity, unlike a hard drug which can be abstained from entirely.
As it is a necessity, eat a healthy diet (read a porn book) because you know ‘eating’ is vital but you can do it without feeling the need to purge or kill yourself after.
Yeah, I’m trying…but it is literally like I get taken over by another personality. And suddenly I can’t reason with myself any more. I try self talk to discipline myself but once that other side takes over I’m in a bad spot.
I’m going to work on not spending too much time on the computer since that is the portal to this stuff. It’s like computers are associated with porn for me.
Yeah, I am currently reading some books on self control. I thought I had it pegged and let my guard down. Guess I need to read some more. I’m sure it is possible to learn self control. But this habit with visual porn runs deep for many many years. It is really hard to get out of it. I wish I had people around me all the time, because then I wouldn’t bother. It’s funny what living alone can do to a person.
If you meditate then you can actually get self control. It trains the mind to do just that.
Sit in a straight backed chair, rest your hands on your legs, close your eyes and say the word Compassion in your head over and over again. Simple as. When you find your mind wandering, allow it, then return to the word "compassion’. There you have it transcendental meditation.
do it for 5 minutes, then 10 then 15 then 20, 2 times a day.
That’s rough. Any addiction is rough to deal with. I like what labratmat is saying though. Focus on what doesn’t make it an addiction and you should be alright. Maybe once you get some distance from it you can feel comfortable on computers again.
You won’t notice meditation positive effect for a couple of months. Like any skill you have to master it, then one day you will look back on how your life has changed since you took up meditation.
